Artemis Fowl and the Centaur Ordeal
by Lessa3
Summary: Set between AI and EC. Ever wonder what would happen if Foaly dropped off the face of the earth? Ever wonder what would happen if the People needed Artemis’s help? No? Well, if you’d care to find out...
1. Prologue

ASN:   (Anonymous Sister's Note)  For those of you who haven't read Artemis 4, the 'anonymous sister' is the co-

            author.  The co-author with all the good ideas. 

AN:      (Author's Note) She lies.  And for those of you who haven't read Artemis 4 and already think we sound crazy...we

            are.  But in a nice way. *grin*

ASN:   To get to the point of this little intro...this story is set between the Artic Incident and the Eternity Code, so you could             say it's Artemis Fowl 2 1/2.  

AN:      Why did we write it?  Well, we couldn't wait for the third book to come out.  And we were sorta bored.  

ASN:   And our little sister's real into Artemis Fowl, and between us we had about 4 dollars...

AN:      Instant birthday present!  No money required.

ASN:   Real quick:  Neither of us own, nor claim to own, any of the characters from Artemis Fowl.   

AN:      Unfortunately.  I could use the money.  *sighs*   Don't sue us.  

ASN:  So, with no further ado *wild clapping from readers*, we present...

Artemis Fowl: The Centaur Encounter

**Artemis Fowl: A Psychological Assessment**

**from**** "The Teenage Years"**

_by__ Prof. J. Argon, Brotherhood of Psychologists_

_Commissioned by the Lower Elements Police_

            By the time we run into the infamous Artemis Fowl Junior again, he has just reached the age of fourteen.  During this period, he has created a brand new computer operating system that has made the stand-by Microsoft Windows obsolete, earned two degrees by taking university courses over the Internet, and was forced to start taking music lessons.  After two months, Artemis rivals the world's premier violinist.  He has also sent three principals and sixteen guidance counselors into early retirement, tricked the Russian Mafiya, and was a suspect in the heinous Hope Diamond robbery.

            One might recall that he accomplished all this while avoiding the watchful presence of his parents.  With his father's return, Artemis had found his criminal outlet stifled.  Artemis had actually contemplated focusing his efforts on legitimate and legal activities.  He dismissed that thought as absurd within five seconds.  

            It was also during this time that the People were forced to ask for Artemis's help.  Again.

            Thus inflating an already overblown ego. 

            Shame he lived through it.

**Prologue******

**Howler's Peak, South Pacific**

            The island was a small, uncharted dot of sparkling sand in the South Pacific ocean.  It was surrounded on all sides by dramatically tall cliffs, but was filled with lush vegetation and beautiful birds.  To most humans, this would be paradise.  To the People, it was known simply as Howler's Peak.     

            Opal Koboi sat under a palm tree, letting the wide leaves shade her skin from the sun's damaging rays.  When one has spent her entire life underground, the sun was not a girl's best friend.  She shifted, rattling the chain that bound her to the tree.  The caves, the actual prisons of Howler's Peak, were filled with the brainless goblins who had gotten caught during the uprising, leaving her in solitary confinement, forbidden to speak to the other prisoners.

            Still, all was not lost.  After all, the tree was better than the caves.  At least, out here a pixie could see the sky, listen to the birdsong, admire the rainbows.  

            Opal was bored stiff.  

            Her entire life, up until now, had been centered around her work.  She had never been still in her life.  Opal had always been working on some project, racing to out-invent that stuck-up centaur, or planning some scheme to gain control of the Lower Elements.  Now she had been sentenced to life imprisonment on this wretched island, and when you're a pixie, life is a _very_ long time.     

            Opal stood up, stretching her arms.  She paced as much as her chains would let her.  After a year, she knew exactly how far she could go.  Three steps from the tree in all directions and two feet up the tree.  She sulked.  After a year, she had gotten very good at that too.  There was no hope of escape.  There was nothing on the island that would unlock the coded magnetic band around her ankle, and the LEP had been remarkably thorough in relieving her of all her hidden tools.  They had even found the microlaser in her fake eartip.  Opal suspected Foaly had tipped them off.  He always had a wonderfully devious mind, he just wasted it in that Operations lab at Haven.  

            A strange noise shattered the stillness and birdsong.  Opal started, looking around.  She had never enjoyed her Mud Man classes in school, but even she remembered that ominous sound.  A low throbbing sound was a helicopter, the one human vehicle that could land on this island.  After the noise of the helicopter died, odd, yipping noises rang through the silent forest.  The odd bark was the call of a dog, a creature which could smell a fairy, even when shielded.  And Opal was not shielded.  Two huge shaggy brutes came flying from the forest.  The pixie screamed and started climbing the tree.  Unfortunately, she could only get two feet off the ground.  That was just high enough to look into the beast's mad eyes as it stopped inches from her face.

            "Nice doggy." she squeaked.

**Howler's Peak, Control Room**          

            Lieutenant Sland was not having a good day.  Someone had tossed a dwarf in the goblin cell.  Everybody knows that putting a goblin and a dwarf together will create an explosion that resembles an atomic blast, but with more blood.  Naturally, nobody wanted to separate the fight, since fireballs were ricocheting off the sides of the cell.  The dwarves in the next cell were demanding revenge, and the sprites were taking bets.  

            "Knock it off!" he yelled at the cell full of sprites.  

            "I'll give you 50-1 odds on the goblins!" a sprite called back.  Sland turned just in time to see one of the guards pulling out his wallet.  

            "Hey!" he roared, and the guilty fairy jumped.  "What the heck do you think you're doing?!"

            "Uh, getting enough to buy my daughter a new pair of shoes?" the guard offered.  

            "No, not on my watch.  Now go in and get that dwarf!" the lieutenant said as he stomped into the control room.  Immediately he noticed an ominous blinking light on the perimeter board.           

            "What?" the guard whined shrilly as he followed his CO.  Sland winced and turned back.  

            "Did you just question my order, Corporal?"

            "No, sir." the guard whimpered.

            "Good." Sland returned his attention to the board, calling up a camera at Koboi's tree.  He saw two gray mutts barking at her tiny figure clinging tightly to the trunk of the tree.

            "D'Arvit." he whispered.  If it weren't for the fact that dogs meant humans, he would get great pleasure out of letting the dogs eat Ms. Koboi.  He'd even give them a mint when they were finished.  Sland whirled back around and returned to the main cavern.

            "Everyone shut up!" he bellowed at the top of his not inconsiderable lungs.  Amazingly, everyone did.  The unfortunate guard had actually made it out of the goblin cell in one piece, only slightly singed, and was now trying to pry the dwarf off his right leg. 

            "We have a crisis on our hands." Sland announced. 

            "It can't be another goblin uprising at Haven, they're all here!" the dwarf sneered.  Sland pulled out his buzz baton.

            "Quiet, dwarf, or I'll let the goblins finish.  The island has been invaded by Mud Men.  Koboi has been discovered by the dogs.  Suit up men, we have to go get her." 

            "Aw, do we have to?" asked a guard in the back, hidden by the crowd.  Sland's face reddened.  

            "Shut up and get ready, or I'll put you in the goblin cell."

            "Yessir!" all the guards yelled, racing off.  Sland sighed.

            "Why, oh why, didn't I go into marketing like my mother told me?"

            Opal clung to the tree, shivering in fright.  So far, the dogs had been content to bark their heads off, and had not tried to sample fresh pixie.  Her pointed ears caught more noise over the din of the dogs.  She heard voices and big feet tramping through the forest towards her.  She watched as three Mud Men stepped out of the trees, and stopped, staring at her.  Opal readied herself, gathering what little magic she had left.  The sun had bleaching effects on magic, and she hadn't completed the Ritual for almost three years.  It was difficult to find oak trees on a tropical island, and who had time for a vacation to the surface when you were trying to take over the Lower Elements?  

            The Mud Men came within a few feet of the tree and stopped.  They had the look of powerful men unused to casual clothing, and all three of them were wearing baseball caps with **California Technology Labs** emblazoned on them in red. 

            _"Go away, Mud Men.  There is nothing to see here.  Oh, and take your monsters with you!"_ she ordered, her voice loaded with the hypnotic power of _mesmer__.  _The humans turned and looked at each other, then back at the pixie clinging to the side of the tree.  

            "I don't know guys, what do you see?  I see something real strange." the shortest one said snidely.  Opal frowned.  The humans should have been willing to jump off a cliff if she asked.  Then she noticed the sunglasses.  Mirrored sunglasses.  

            "D'Arvit." she moaned as they came even closer. 

            "Hey, look at this chain.  It has no lock.  The boss would be interested in this." one whispered.  Suddenly, Opal had an idea.  It was crazy, but it just might work.  Besides, anything was better than eternity on a island with nothing to do.

            "Well, if your boss is interested in new and unseen technology, you definitely found the right pix...person."  She smiled sweetly at the men.  

            Sland and his team flew shielded through the forest on their DoubleDex wings.  As they approached Koboi's tree, the lieutenant motioned his team down.

            "We're going to hit them with the _mesmer_ first.  Then we'll wipe their minds and set them loose to terrorize other islands."

            "Why don't we throw them in the goblin cells?" asked a fairy, anonymous in the dark flight suit.  Sland just gave him a Look, and the fairy withered.  The team, as one, stepped out into the clearing.  No one was there.  The only inhabitant of the clearing was a neatly cut chain attached to the palm tree.  

            A stream of very unprofessional swearing split the quiet.  Sland motioned the team into the air, and they flew down the path of wreckage the Mud Men had left in the forest.  They arrived at the beach just in time to see a small helicopter fading into the clear blue sky.  Without a word, the team flew back to the caves.  Ripping off his helmet, Sland stepped to the comm panel in his flight suit.  The other fairies watched as he dialed Lower Elements Police Communications.

            "Yes, Howler's Peak, how can we help you today?" a pretty sprite asked.  Sland cleared his throat.

            "Uh, Haven, we have a problem."

AN:      As always, we welcome comments and reviews!  We read them and taken them seriously.

ASN:   And since we've already written this one, a new chapter should be up every other day or so.  At least, that's the plan.  


	2. Chapter 1: Meet the Villain

ASN:   Since _I_ am in charge of this fanfic, I am not subjecting the poor innocent readers to rhyming disclaimers at the beginning of      each chapter.  Like Lessa (AN) does in Artemis 4.

AN:      Hey, they _liked my disclaimers!_

ASN:   *blank look*  Riiiight.  If you are curious, go look at our other Artemis story.  But you have been warned!  About the        disclaimer thing, though: you guys all get it, right?  Not ours?

AN:      *hysterical sobbing* 

ASN:   *deep sigh*  What I put up with.  ANYWAY, here's chapter one...   

**CHAPTER 1: MEET THE VILLAIN******

**California**** Technology Labs, Executive Office**

            Jonathan Radison Rand, JR to his very few friends (allies), examined the odd magnetic lock on his desk.  Apparently, his men had brought it and an "alien" in back from the new lab site.  Personally, Rand had a dim view of his surveying section, but these nitwits appeared to be a little brighter than the rest.  

            "Bring it in." he ordered without looking up.  A discreet flurry in his peripheral vision told him that a minion was obeying.  Immediately another employee with D. Kale on his security tag brought in the desired object.  Rand admired the small, streamlined box.  It looked like a silver cassette player, but could open to reveal a small screen and microspeakers.  

            "Did you have any trouble recovering this from the detective's apartment?" he asked, finally looking up at his employees.

            "No, the occupant of the apartment, a Mr. Luc Carrere, is currently serving time for counterfeiting.  The dwelling was abandoned.  No force was required."  D. Kale answered promptly.  Rand nodded, his attention already refocused on the item.  

            "This technology is not human." he murmured under his breath.  Kale, having heard the comment, allowed his military-stiff composure to waver.

            "Then what is it, sir?" he breathed.  Rand slowly looked up, black eyes filled with thinly veiled menace.  Davis Kale, 6'2", All State Football Champion, master of three different martial arts, began to tremble under Rand's piercing glare.  He had asked a question without permission. 

            "I'm sorry, sir!" he stammered.  "It will never happen again sir!"  Rand stared at him in complete and utter silence for two minutes, and Kale saw his entire life flash before his eyes.

            "See that it doesn't." Rand said after an eternity, and returned his glance to the unhuman technology.  Kale allowed himself to breathe.

            "Oh, and Kale?" Kale stopped breathing again.  "Bring in the...person from the island."  Kale nodded eagerly and fled the dark shadowy confines of the inner sanctum.  Rand smiled.

            Opal had been sitting in a dark, windowless cell for the last two hours, drumming her fingers on the cement floor.  It was true that anything was better than spending centuries bored to death under that palm tree.  However, being bored to death in a dark cell simply wasn't that much better.  She caught the sound of militant footsteps coming her way, and stood, ready to fight her way back to freedom.  True, two and a half feet wasn't that intimidating, but pixies scream _real_ loud.  

            The door swung open, and two giants to rival that Butler monster stood in the opening.  Her scream turned into a stifled gargle as each giant grabbed an arm and picked her up.  They started to march back down the hall, holding her in between them, legs dangling at least 2 feet off the ground.  Doors flew by as she was hauled down the hall.  Opal's frightened squeak was ignored by the two guards.  They carried her through a set of black glass doors and dropped her unceremoniously in front of a huge desk.  

            "Welcome to my parlor.  I am Jonathan Rand." came a deep, rich voice.  A tall, malevolent figure arose from behind the desk and came forward.  Opal stared upwards.

            "Thank you.  I must say your hospitality is overwhelming." she said sarcastically. 

            "Ah, yes, so sorry about that, but my men seemed to think you were an alien." Rand said nonchalantly.  Opal considered _mesmer_ing the human, but knew she could never get all of them under her control before one of the ape-like guards ripped her head from her shoulders.

            "I am many things, but alien is not one of them." she said archly, inwardly congratulating herself on her evasiveness.  

            "Enough beating around the bush.  This technology is quite intriguing.  I would be interested in seeing more.  My men say you can provide.  Is that so, Miss...?"  An expectant pause filled the room, one that demanded a straight answer.  Opal decided to lay it on the line.

            "Koboi.  My name is Opal Koboi, and that technology you so admire is of fairy manufacture.  So listen, Mud Man, if you want to get anything, we'd better get a few things cleared up right now." the pixie said, leaning forward confidentially.  Rand raised an eyebrow.  A guard stepped forward suddenly, and leveled a .45 automatic at her head.  

            The boss smiled beatifically.  "Is that clear enough for you?"        

            "Crystal!" Opal squeaked an octave above her normal range.

            "Now, I'm going to ask again.  Can you provide us with more 'fairy' technology?" the man asked in a deceptively soft voice.  "Yes or no?"

            "Um, well, no, but..." Opal started to say.  Rand made a small movement with his hand, and returned to his chair behind the desk.  The two goons grabbed her by the arms again and steered her towards the door.  

            "Hey, wait!" Opal shouted.  Rand ignored her and started shuffling paperwork.  The glass doors grew closer.  

            "Rand, I can't get you the technology, but I can get you the master behind it all."  One of the goons opened the door.  Opal began fighting, desperately trying to escape their grasp.  

            "One moment." came the cool voice from the office.  "Bring her back."  Opal sighed with relief as the guards dropped her again.  

            "The master?" Rand enquired.  Opal nodded.

            "Yes, the one person in charge of all the computers and technology in the Lower Elements.  He's revolutionized travel, weapons, and communications, and invented more things than you can possibly imagine."  Rand smiled, a slow, feral smile.

            "And where is this person now?"

**South Pacific Fairy Resort and Sanctuary **

           Foaly lounged on a sunny beach in the South Pacific, near the island of Howler's Peak.  Imagine a snazzy little resort exclusively for the People, just fifteen miles away from the prison.  Naturally, not many of the People were out during the day, since the sun bleached magic, but centaurs, quite simply, didn't have any magic to begin with.  Just beauty.  Besides, he had the entire beach to himself, and he imagined Julius envying his tan whenever he returned.  

            The centaur stretched out on his purple beach blanket, with his hands behind his head, his front legs crossed, and his back legs flat on the sand.  His tinfoil hat was tipped over his eyes. A totally defenseless posture, he thought lazily.  Good thing there wasn't anyone else around.  

            Something bit him on the neck.  Hard.

            "Ow!" Foaly exclaimed, slapping his hand to his neck to kill the nasty insect.  Instead of a blood-sucking creature, he pulled away a small tranquilizer dart. 

            "Uh-oh." he muttered, looking at the dart.  Jumping up, he looked around for the culprit.  Everything was starting to get hazy.  

            "Not good, not good." His words were slurred slightly as he sank to his knees.  He had just enough time to see a Mud Man with a smiling pixie on his shoulders step out of the woods before the world went black.  

ASN:  Wow, I didn't realize this chapter was this short.  SO, I'll go ahead and put the next chapter up tonight.  


	3. Chapter 2: A Missing Centaur

ASN:  Okay, so I updated a later than I said I would.  Sorry, I just got home.  I wasn't going to update at all...

AN:   *holds BIG stick*  You should all thank me.

ASN:  Sorry again, but I DID get it up tonight as promised.  All right, here we go...  

**CHAPTER 2: A MISSING CENTAUR**

**Haven****City****, ****Police****Plaza**

            Commander Julius Root was peeved.  It was late, he was tired, that criminal good-for-nothing pixie had escaped into the hands of Mud Men, and everything was falling apart around his pointy ears.

            "I am so glad Foaly only gets vacation every other century, if this is what happens when he's gone." he muttered.  Suddenly, Captain Holly Short came bursting into Root's tiny office, banging into his desk and sending his box of fungus cigars flying across the room.  

            "Captain..." Root said, his face getting redder than usual.

            "Sorry, sir, but, um, no one can get the computers to work.  They logged off for the night and won't log back on." Holly was cringing slightly, waiting for the barrage of four letter words to follow.  They did.  

            "When is that miserable donkey coming back to work?" the Commander roared.

            "He's actually supposed to be coming in on the next shuttle."  Holly said, straightening the paperwork on Root's desk.  

            "Good.  Let's go meet him.  The office is falling apart around me, and I need someone to scream at." he snarled, standing up.  Holly pulled a very wrinkled and battered file from the stacks.  It looked as though it had been flung across the room.  More than once.  

            "Excuse me Commander." Holly asked timidly.  "If you don't mind my asking, are you sure you're not tense because you can't find Mulch Diggums?"  Root whirled on her, face going purple.

            "I CAN FIND THAT CONVICT ANYTIME I WANT!" he bellowed, then calmed down slightly.  "I am lulling him into a false sense of security, letting him think I can't find him.  Then I will swoop down on him like an avenging angel and fling him into Howler's Peak for a couple centuries.  If I'm in a good mood."  

            Holly couldn't resist.  "What if you're in a bad mood?" she asked.

            "Then the goblins can have a new basketball." Root snapped as he stalked outside.  Holly looked around the office, noting the destruction left in his wake.

            "Sorry I asked." she muttered and followed.      

            The shuttleport was surprisingly crowded for its sunny destination being so unpopular.  Root and Holly stood in the back and watched the shuttle come in.  A crowd of tired fairies poured from the shuttle opening, sending squeals of laughter and greeting echoing into the cavern.  Root tapped his foot impatiently as he waited for the centaur to disembark.  Holly wisely said nothing.  

            Finally the cavern emptied and still no centaur had appeared.  A sprite in a pilot's flightsuit strolled from the opening to the travel desk.  

            "Captain Short, go see what's going on.  And be diplomatic, you know how these sprites can get."  Root said softly.  Holly strode forward.

            "Excuse me, we're looking for a centaur that was supposed to be on this flight.  Is he still on board?" she asked, very politely.  The sprite winked at her.

            "Nope, sorry to disappoint ya, gorgeous.  Never showed up." he drawled.  Root appeared out of nowhere, and picked up the sprite by the neck of his suit.

            "AND YOU LEFT HIM?" he shouted.  Holly winced.  Very diplomatic.

            "Hey, I'm not a fairysitter, I had other customers to deal with.  Besides, has it occurred to you that maybe he doesn't want to be found?  We get fairies going AWOL all the time." the sprite protested.  Root's face turned purple.

            "AWOL?  None of the computers will work without his commands, and that miserable donkey decides to spend more time working on his tan?!  I don't think so!" Root bellowed, shaking the unfortunate sprite.  All of the employees in the cavern were staring at the enraged elf.  Holly wandered over to the travel desk.  

            "I need to borrow your comm panel." she said shortly. 

            Root was still grumbling two hours later, as the two elves boarded an LEP shuttle to the island resort.  

            "Let's go pick him up, Captain." Root growled as he webbed himself in tightly.  Holly nodded and nudged the craft into the pressure chute.  The shuttle dropped like a stone, and Root stopped complaining.  Holly grinned as she maneuvered into a hot air stream.  Root stayed silent until they reached the terminal on the island.  

            "Good flying, Captain.  Now let me out."  The Commander's usually red face had a distinct green undertone.  Holly's grin widened as she followed him out of the shuttle.  The terminal was hot, and there was no centaur in sight.  The two elves paused only to don blackout suits against the South Pacific sun before they headed off to the resort.

            A pixie maitre d' appeared, clipboard clutched in his hand.  "Good morning, my friends!  Would you like a drink from the bar before you check in?  You do have reservations don't you?"  

            Holly looked around the empty resort.  "Reservations?" she murmured.

            "No, we're not here on vacation." Root cut in.  The maitre d' smiled even wider.

            "Oh, a day trip then?"  he simpered.  Root's fists clenched as he turned to Holly. 

            "Captain..." he said tensely. 

            "We're looking for Foaly, the centaur.  Has he checked out yet?" she asked.  The maitre d' drew himself up to his full height and stared up at Holly.

            "We do not release private information about our guests." he informed them snippily.  

            Root lost it.  "Look you slimy, half-grown, good-for-nothing _civilian_, I am Commander Root of the LEP, and you will tell me exactly what I want to know right now before I shove that fancy clipboard up your conceited  nose!"  

            The pixie cringed.  "Commander Root?" He turned to Holly.  "Then you must be..."  

            Holly sighed.  "Yes, I'm the crazy girly captain." she said pleasantly, tapping her buzz baton against her hand impatiently.  "Now, about the centaur..."

            "He went to the beach early this morning.  Hasn't come back yet.  He was supposed to check out at noon.  If he skipped without paying his bill, I'll expect you to make good on it." the pixie said with as much dignity as possible.  

            Root grinned evilly.  "Trust me, the centaur will pay."  Holly rolled her eyes, and they walked towards the beach, leaving the pixie looking like he couldn't decide to be pleased or frightened.  

            They found Foaly's spot without too much difficulty; his bright purple beach towel was hard to miss.  Foaly had disappeared, leaving only his tinfoil hat on the blanket.  Root frowned.

            "You don't think something happened to him?"  Holly did not answer, but held up a small dart.  Root groaned.  The tranquilizer dart was labeled clearly: Made in Taiwan.  

            "No, not the Mud Men again." he moaned.  "Not Foaly.  We need that donkey!"  

            "It looks like humans kidnaped Foaly." Holly murmured.  

            "How the heck did they know he was here?!  How did they get here without anyone knowing?!  How did they know that kidnaping Foaly would be the number one way to leave Haven totally unprotected?!  Are the Mud Men planning to attack Haven?!" the commander roared, pacing back and forth on the hot sand.  Holly patiently waited for him to stop fuming before she said anything.  She rather fancied her head, and was in no mood to have to chase it down the beach.  After a few minutes ranting, Root settled down to infuriated mumbling.

            "All right, captain, let's go track down that donkey."  He whirled sharply, and stormed back down the beach towards the resort and the shuttle bay.  Holly gathered up Foaly's blanket, hat, and dart, and followed the irate commander as he slammed into the resort.  The pixie maitre d' opened his mouth to complain about the centaur's unpaid bill, took one good look and Root, and got out of his way.  In his current state, the commander could have walked over the pixie, squashing him into a blurred smear on the parquet floor, and he would never have noticed.  Not that Root would have cared anyway.  

            Holly followed the commander into the shuttle, and proceeded to bring the LEP's network of computers online, allowing them to trace the origins of the dart, and accessing their most recent buyers.  The suspects could then be kept under surveillance, and one of them was bound to be Foaly's kidnapers.  At least, that was the plan.  Holly pulled up the computer network, and initiated the trace program without incident while Root lit one of his cigars and muttered dire threats under his breath.  Holly was ignoring him by now.  The computer chimed musically with the sound of a clear bell.  

            "Commander." Holly called, and Root came forward into the cockpit, bringing with them clouds of noxious light green smoke.  Holly wrinkled her nose, and attempted to breathe as shallowly as possible.   

            "Then this company manufactures the darts?" Root asked around the cigar clenched firmly in his teeth.  Holly, who was holding her breath, nodded rather than answered.

            "All right.  And the most recent buyers?" he prompted.  Holly obligingly pressed the appropriate keys, feeling  a little light headed. 

            "What type of Mud Men would kidnap a centaur?" Root mused as the computer whirred.  "CIA?  MI6?  A science company?  The media?"  The computer chimed again, and both LEP officers leaned forward to review the list of recent suspicious buyers...all of whom were small town veterinarians.

            "That can't possibly be right." Root said incredulously.   

            "Well, sir, it's been noted that an unusually high number of shipments have been lost this month." Holly commented an octave higher than her normal tone.  Root turned to stare at her.  

            "Captain, are you all right?" he asked in alarm.  Her skin tone was about the same color as the green smoke, which was definitely an...interesting combination with her auburn hair.  

            "The...smoke..." she whispered, her eyes watering.  

            "Oh." Root removed the cigar from his mouth and tossed it into the waste recycler.  

            "Thank you, sir." Holly said in as close to her normal voice as possible.  "Anyway, if you  assume that Foaly was not kidnaped by a vet, then the dart must be from one of the mislaid shipments."           

            "And how do we track those?" Root asked.  Holly frowned.  

            "That's much harder to do.  Foaly could have done it, _maybe_, but..."

            "Try, Short." Root commanded, slapping his hand on her shoulder.  Holly punched another key, and was rewarded by the sound of the computer humming away in it's search.  The computer almost instantly chimed again, but this time the warped and ear piercing sound was that of a bell that had been stomped on more than just a few times.  By a goblin.  A really big goblin.

            "What was that?" Root asked warily.  Holly didn't answer, but watched as the computer stopped flashing it's 'Searching' signal and instead started to play images of Corporal Frond repeating a message at four times her normal speed.  A stream of unintelligible high-pitched gibberish came from the computer speakers.  

            "I think the LEP network just crashed." Holly said dully.  Root stared at the screen, calmly turned off the sound, and launched into a stream of profanity that would have made Chix Verbil blush.  Holly sighed and dropped her head onto her folded arms.  Root eventually quit swearing and looked at Holly almost in despair.

            "What are we going to do?  None of the computers are working, so we can't track him.  We don't have a clue what to look for in the human world, and even if we could find him, we can't rescue Foaly without his technological backup." he said, dropping down into the copilot's seat.  Suddenly, he stopped moving and looked up at Holly.  She did not like the look in his eyes.

            "Yes, Commander?" she asked warily.

            "We're going to need outside help on this one, Captain." he sighed.  Holly looked puzzled for a moment, then her eyes widened.

            "No. Nonononono." she responded.  "You can_not_ be thinking what I think you're thinking!"

            "Captain, I don't like it much myself, but we don't have time to puzzle this out ourselves.  He's the only one who can help us, who has connections in the human world, and who might actually be able to decipher some of Foaly's technobabble."

ASN:   And everybody KNOWS who it is, right?

AN:      We're not predictable, it's just ...hey, could use some help here.  Need a word.

ASN:   Inevitable?

AN:      That works. 

ASN:  I'll update soon.  I promise. 


	4. Chapter 3: A Bored Criminal Mastermind

ASN:  As always, thanks to our devoted readers!  We do read your comments.

AN:  And before people start thinking we totally ripped off EC with this fanfic, there's something you should know.

ASN:  We wrote this **BEFORE** EC came out.  We really want to make that clear.  There are an awful lot of similarities with the EC already, and we've only put up the first two chapters.

AN:  Maybe Mr. Colfer bugged our computer or something, but all the similarities (ie Spiro and Rand) ARE coincidence.

ASN:  We wouldn't write a fanfic that resembled a published story that obviously.

AN:  If we did, we sure wouldn't put it up!

ASN:  *embarrassed grin*  Sorry for the rant.  Thanks for listening.  Anyway, here's the next chapter...

**CHAPTER 3: A BORED CRIMINAL**

**           MASTERMIND**

**Fowl ****Manor****, ****Ireland**

            Artemis Fowl, Jr, who had the brain capacity (and talent) to overthrow entire governments at his whim, and was the only one who might be able to decipher Foaly's technobabble, was bored. 

            Contrary to popular opinion, he did care about his parents.  After all, he had spent over two years searching for his father, and had been forced to conceive a wave of conniving schemes in order to restore the family fortune.  Still, now that he had earned a place in the criminal world, did his parents really expect him to give it all up and just do his homework like a good little boy?  

            A knock sounded at his door.  Artemis turned back to his calculus, covering up the plans to his newest criminal intention.  "Who is it?" he said, eyeing the homework disdainfully.  With a click, his mother, Angeline Fowl, opened the door.

            "I'm back dear."  she said.  "Your father said he'd be just fine by himself, but I insisted that Juliet go with him.  She's a fine bodyguard, and I think Timmy may appreciate having someone he knows around." 

            Artemis Senior had just left for the United States.  While there, he was going to receive some medical attention from the top doctors in the field, and discuss the start of a new business arrangement with Microsoft about his son's new computer program.  

            "I'm certain he will, Mother."  Artemis said softly.

            "Me too, Arty.  Do you need any help with your homework this weekend?"  

            After rapidly depleting the amount of faculty at Saint Bartleby's School for Young Gentlemen, Angeline had removed Artemis and placed him in another school, 'so he could be closer to home'.  The counselors read the previous reports from Bartleby's, and left Artemis alone.  He liked it that way.  Being closer to home did enable his parents to insist he came back to Fowl Manor on the weekdays.  Artemis didn't mind much; the food at this school was not much improved over the last.  

            "No thank you, Mother, I'm fine." he responded.  Angeline smiled at her son and left, sweeping past Butler on her way out.

            "Hello, Butler."  Artemis greeted the large bodyguard distractedly, staring moodily down at his new plan.  Butler could sense the unease in the teenager, no matter how he tried to hide it.  

            "Artemis, is something wrong?" he inquired, sitting down next to his charge.  Artemis looked up at his bodyguard, mentor, and sometimes friend, and sighed. 

            "Yes, Butler, there is.  Quite frankly, I'm bored.  Yes, I'm glad my father's back, and Mother's so happy, but now they're always watching me.  I have no more freedom.  I wish something, almost anything, would happen, just to add a little excitement into my life."  He looked at Butler wanly.  "I'm best at plotting things, you know.  Not sitting around uselessly." 

            Butler gingerly clapped a hand on Artemis's shoulder, squeezing very slightly.  "Don't worry, Artemis, I'm certain that something will happen.  If you're looking for an activity, how's that computer course your mother suggested you attend going?"

            A slight smirk crossed the teen's face.  "Now that I've cracked into the school's database, it doesn't seem to hold much promise."

            Butler grinned, standing.   "Don't worry, Artemis, something interesting will come up.  It always does."

**Chute Terminal E1, ****Tara****, ****Ireland**

            Commander Root and Captain Short had barely been able to convince the Council of the dire situation. Finally, after an computer controlled lock system had sealed half of the LEP Academy cadets inside the armory and they had been forced to blast their way out, the Council had relented and granted Root permission to request outside help.  Now, they were on their way to Ireland, to contact Fowl.

            Holly was not happy.  As she handled the shuttle to the Tara Shuttleport, she fumed.  Quietly.  

            Holly and Artemis Jr had parted on relatively good terms last time they had met, and Holly wanted to keep the memory there.  A friendly parting, and nothing else.  No more contact.  A memory, and that's all.  A hope that Artemis had accepted her words about decency and changed his ways.

            Right. 

            They reached Tara Shuttleport soon after.  Holly and Root exited the craft, and went over to grab a couple pairs of wings.  Having cleaned up all of Koboi's sabotage, Foaly had recently re-released the DoubleDex wings to the public--after making a few changes of his own.  The batteries were now smaller, more lightweight, and more powerful.  The changes had naturally added to the centaur's swelled head.  Root and Holly were quiet on their way to Fowl Manor.  They were just starting to realize how much they longed to have the smart-mouthed, four-legged  twit around.

**Fowl Manor**

            Artemis, like all teenage boys, was supposed to be in bed.  Like all teenage boys, he didn't really care about his curfew.  Besides, it was only eleven thirty, and spring holidays were starting this week.  An entire week of Mother hovering about him.  How was he going to get anything done?

            A slight knock echoed in his room.  He looked up.  Everything was silent.  Odd, Artemis thought.  It almost seemed to be coming from outside.  He turned to look to the window, in time to see a slight shimmer.  He was barely able to mask a look of surprise.  Couldn't be.  They weren't... He saw the shimmer again, two actually, and frowned.

            "What did I do to warrant this surprise?" he murmured, coming toward the window.  He opened it and with a slightly smug smile said, "Captain, Commander, please, come in.  May I have the pleasure of seeing my visitors?" 

            Suddenly, two fairies hovered before him.  Both had grim faces and loaded guns. However, for once, they were holstered.  As he had suspected, Captain Holly Short and Commander Julius Root had decided to pay him a visit.

            "And to what evil deed do I owe the reason for your company?"

            Now that they were here, looking  at the cocky face of Artemis Fowl, Jr, Root was regretting his seemingly bright idea.  He swallowed, gently lowering himself to the floor, hating having to stare up at the haughty teenager.

            "Hello, Artemis," he said, as Holly landed beside him. "Look, we, um, we..."

            Artemis gestured to the large couch he had in his room.  "Please, before you start talking in complete sentences, sit down." 

            Root bit his sharp retort back and sat, nodding at Captain Short to do the same.  With a sigh, she did so.  Root turned back to Artemis.  

            "Now, Artemis, I am sorry it's late, but you were up anyway, so...um...we..."  Root paused, then turned to Holly.  "Captain, you tell him."

            Holly turned pale.  "No, you tell him, Commander.  It was your idea." 

            Root reddened. "Captain..."

            "But..."

            Artemis smirked and leaned back in his computer chair.  "Whenever you would like to fill me in..." he said, trying to keep the amusement out of his voice.  And failing miserably.    

            "It's too humiliating, Commander!"  Holly protested.

            "Captain!"  Root snarled.   

            Holly took a deep breath, turning to face the Mud Boy.  "Artemis, three days ago Foaly the centaur went on vacation at a fairy resort in the South Pacific. He was supposed to be back today. He wasn't on his shuttle.  The Commander I and went to the resort, and found his tinfoil hat lying on the ground, next to this dart."  She held up a tiny tranquillizer, and Artemis immediately saw the English on the side.  Human.

            "Hmm.." Artemis said, taking it from Holly and examining it further.  After a bit he looked up.

            "I do feel sorry for Foaly, since he was a fellow mastermind, but exactly does this have to do with me?"

            Root frowned, detecting the hidden laughter in the teen's voice.  "Well, Fowl, being a fellow mastermind, you must know what we want from you."

            Artemis grinned, suddenly resembling a hungry shark.  "Oh, yes, I do." He paused. "I just want to hear you say it." 

            Root's eyes just about fell out of his face.  "You, you want..." he sputtered.  "Why you snotty little-"

            Holly winced, and then stood, stopping Root in her tracks.  It figured that she would have to say it.

            "Artemis, your, um, _assistance_ in finding Foaly would be appreciated."  

            Artemis looked the two fairies up and down.  "Ah," he said, still smirking. "You need my help." 

            Root stood as well, bright purple.  "We do not _need_ your help!" he bellowed.  Then he calmed slightly at Holly's worried glance, and continued, "It's just, we can't move about in the human world easily, and we can't use any of Foaly's things, because the paranoid centaur has everything encoded three or four times.  You may be the only one with enough, um, expertise to get the system running.  You may also be able to track him using all his gizmos that you so enjoy looking at."

            Artemis had stood still for Root's entire spiel, not making one movement that would expose his thoughts.  Now he pursed his lips and said, 

            "I see.  You need my help."

            Root could feel a hernia starting. "YES!" he shouted. "We need your help." 

            "No."

            Holly watched the Commander in amazement.  It didn't surprise her that Artemis Fowl would be the one to finally stop his heart from beating.  Root's face swelled with anger and shock, and you could _see_ the smoke coming from his ears.

            "Why, you...what kind of..." he sputtered.  Artemis grinned.

            "Commander, please don't restrain yourself for my sake."  

            "Why?" Holly asked softly, dangerously, hand drifting towards the grip of her trusty laser pistol.

            "Quite simple, really.  I have other plans for this weekend.  Tell me, do I look like a person who would help someone out of the kindness of my heart?"  Artemis asked.

            "You have no heart!" Holly spat.  

            Artemis blinked once.  "That, Holly, is a matter of opinion."  

            "Don't call me that.  You just lost the privilege." the elf snapped.

            "Look, Mud Boy," Root interrupted angrily, clutching his buzz baton, "We can always just _mesmer_izeyou and order you to help.  Or maybe we should just mindwipe you while we're here, like the Council's been bugging us to do."  Artemis looked unperturbed at the threat.

            "You really don't want to do that." he stated.

            "And why not?" Holly asked.  She rather liked the idea of _mesmer_izing the little twerp and forcing him to help.  

            "Because, knowing the Council as I do, I took the liberty of creating an insurance policy.  In one of my many files is a computer program poised to send certain incriminating files, documents, copies of the Book..."  

            "WHAT!" the two fairies yelped.

            "...pictures," Artemis continued like he'd not been interrupted, "... liberated technology..."

            "Liberated nothing, you _stole_ that technology!"  Holly snarled.

            "..., and so forth to all the major news networks I have influence over.  I override the send command every day, so nothing ever is released.  If my mind was wiped, and I had no recollection of the file, and it happened to send, I'm certain you imagine what would happen." Artemis finished with a sly smile.

            "That's blackmail!"  Holly gasped.

            "Yes, it is." Artemis said serenely.

            "You don't trust anyone, do you?" Holly accused angrily.

            "I find it safer not to make a habit of it, no."

            A loud sigh interrupted the exchange.  "So what do you want?" Root asked, resigned.

            "I beg your pardon?"  Artemis asked, pretending to be surprised.

            "Well, it's obvious that we're going to have to buy you off.  How much do you want?"

            "100,000 euros.  In gold." was the prompt answer.

            "WHAT?!" the two fairies yelped again.

            "It's a nice even number."

            "You're not worth that much."  Holly snarled.

            "That is also a matter of opinion." Artemis stated.  

            "I'll have to run that by the Council." Root declared.

            "Look, _Commander_,  I don't have time to wait on your collection of windbags, especially if they still want me mindwiped.  It's 100,000 or you can do it yourself.  I'm not the Fairy Protection Agency."  Artemis sneered, a look that had been perfected at Saint Bartleby's.        

            "We'll get your money." Root said, defeated.

            "Good.  Then we've got a deal."  Root considered extending his hand, but decided not to.         "So when can you be ready?" he asked.  

"I'll have to clear up a few things.  Stay here."  Artemis ordered as he left the room.

             Holly laughed.  "Not likely."  She flicked on her shield and followed the teen down the hall.  Root shrugged turned to Artemis's computer.  He had some...okay, a _little_ expertise, and the elf started looking for the copies of the Book Artemis had taunted them with.  He squeaked as a large hand clapped down on his shoulder.

            "What do you think you're doing?" Butler asked, grinning as he appeared from nowhere.  Root retreated to his chair, scowling at the bodyguard, who only grinned back wider.

            Artemis cautiously opened the door to his parents' room.  His mother was reading in bed.  

            "Arty?  What are you doing up?"  She asked, laying the book down on the satin coverlet.  

            "Mother, I forgot to tell you that I'm leaving early tomorrow morning."

            "Oh? And where are you going?" she inquired, a suspicious look on her face.

            "A classmate asked me to go spelunking with him this week."  The answer was so smooth, Holly almost believed it.  

            "Really?  That does sound like fun.  You're taking Butler, right?"  

            "I couldn't leave him behind if I tried."  His mother laughed.

            "Well then, enjoy your trip, Arty.  When will you come back?"

            "I'm not quite sure.  It shouldn't be more than a couple days, but I'll call on the way home.  There won't be any cell phone reception in the caves, so it would be useless to call."  

            "All right, Arty, be careful." she said fondly.  

            "Yes, Mother." he answered, heading for the door.

            "Oh, and Arty?  I'm so glad you're making friends."  Artemis sighed deeply.

            "Yes, Mother.  See you later." He shut the door quietly and turned to face a grinning Holly, floating about eye level.

            "Arty?" she asked, grin spreading from ear to pointy ear.


	5. Chapter 4: A Nightmare From the Past

ASN:  Sorry about the tardy update, but I was up till 12:30 this morning working on a paper.  My poor sleep-deprived brain     just remembered about all of you waiting ten minutes ago.

AN:      Doesn't that make all you readers feel special?

ASN:   Then why didn't YOU put it up?

AN:      Ummmm, yeah, anyway, here's the new chapter!  

**CHAPTER 4: A NIGHTMARE FROM**

**  THE PAST**

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite"**

            Foaly the centaur woke with a groan.  Everything hurt.  _Everything_.  However, his head hurt more than anything else.  Blinking, he looked around.  A tiny room, all in black.  Black walls, black ceiling, black concrete slab floor.  No doors.  No lights.  Homey, wasn't it?

            "Mrph?" he gargled, trying to move from his sprawled position.  He wasn't getting very far.

            "Ah, the horse is awake."  A disembodied voice floated past his ears.  Foaly scowled, then winced.  He opened his mouth to speak a snappy, snide retort.  Unfortunately, all that came out was "Mrgglh."  Inwardly, Foaly moaned.  So much for impressing the opposition with his wit and intelligence.

            Then, he heard a high pitched voice from the past, that unfortunately wouldn't stay in the past.  

            "I think you Mud Men gave him too much tranquilizer."  Foaly was barely able to nod agreement. 

            A door opened and a shaft of light shone right into Foaly's eyes.  He shut his eyes automatically, and when he opened them, a pixie stood in front of him. Grinning.

            With a courageous effort, Foaly got out his first intelligible word.  "O-Opal?" 

            "The one and only.  How do you feel?  Not too good, I hope." was the cheerful answer. 

            "Why-why am I here?  What do you want?" Foaly asked sluggishly, trying to stand.  No luck in that area.  It almost felt like his hooves were tied up...  He looked down.  They were.

            "You're here because my business associate wants to meet you, and I want nothing.  JR, on the other hand, might want a _few_ things, nothing big.  Just, well, any and all plans for the machinery the LEP uses down below.  That's it."

            "You're kidding." Foaly said.  "You told a Mud Man about us?  You must be insane." 

            Opal frowned slightly.  "At least I'm not going to die anytime soon. You, on the other hand, we aren't so certain about.  It depends on your cooperation." 

            She turned back to the goons standing in the doorway.  "Keep an eye on him; if he does anything you wouldn't do, drug him.  Let him escape, and JR will be very... unhappy."

            The apes nodded.  Opal gave Foaly a casual wave and walked off.  The door clanged shut behind her.  Foaly groaned.  Mud Men had kidnaped him.  How was he going to get loose?  Julius couldn't find a mouse in a paper bag.  Foaly was the one who did all the searching and detecting.  And Foaly had nothing.  At all.  Not even a computer, like last time he had been trapped.  He was quite sincerely stuck.

**Fowl Manor **

            Artemis had arrived back at his room to find Butler watching Root.  Root, for his part, was trying to out-stare the bodyguard.   

            "And what did you get caught at pulling, Commander?"  Artemis asked as he sat at the computer.  Root glared at the Mud Boy's back.  

            "Artemis," Butler said, not taking his eyes off the two fairies, "What exactly are the Captain and Commander doing here?"  His answer was a sigh from Holly, a snarl from Root, and a chuckle from Artemis.

            "Begging for help." Artemis replied.  Holly gasped in fury at the words, and Root was up and halfway across the room before Butler caught him by the collar of his jumpsuit.  

            "How dare you, you snotty-nosed toddler!  I ought to-"  Butler cut off the wave of words by simply lifting the elf five feet up the ground.  More surprised than he cared to admit, Root stopped talking and struggled for a minute as Artemis called up a few files on the computer.

            "Now, Commander," he said, completely unaffected by the evil looks he was receiving from the fairies, "I have a few questions.  First, Foaly was on vacation, correct?"

            Holly nodded.  Root stopped fighting so he could hear better.

            "Second, how many people knew he was gone?"

            Root frowned, and irritably tried to free himself from the bodyguard's grasp.  Butler let him go, and Root hovered at Artemis's eye level.  "Well, once everything started falling apart, almost everyone."

            Artemis sighed.  "All right.  Can you think of anyone, no matter how ridiculous, who would have a grudge against Foaly, someone who hated him enough to risk exposing the fairy world to humans?" 

            Holly and Root went quiet for a moment.  "Well, there's Defea."  Holly offered.  "An ex-girlfriend.  She's been after him for awhile." 

            Root grinned slightly and crossed the room towards his officer.  "Why didn't I hear about this?" 

            "Because Foaly knew you'd pick on him.  Why else?"

            "Somehow, I doubt an ex would go this far.  Anyone else?"  Artemis dryly. 

            Complete calm.  Then Root gasped suddenly.  "I know," he said. "It has to be her." Artemis gave him a puzzled look.  Holly did as well, then abruptly fell on the answer.

            "Opal," she breathed.  

            Butler raised an eyebrow.  "Didn't Opal go to the goblin prison for a few centuries?" he said doubtfully.  "What could she do there?"

            "She escaped." Holly said.  "Just a few days ago.  And then Foaly disappeared!  It can't be coincidence."  She stood, pacing the room.  "It makes sense.  She escaped with some Mud Men, she hates Foaly, and she has the scheming mind to do it."

            Root nodded.  "She was even in the South Pacific, near the Resort." 

            Artemis pursed his lips.  "So, Opal kidnaped Foaly.  Along with human help.  Why?" 

            The room went silent.  

            Root glared up at Artemis, still mad about the begging comment.  "You're the mastermind, you figure it out." 

            Artemis ignored the crack.  "All right, Commander, you need to make a choice.  Do I go to Haven and attempt to break Foaly's codes, or go rescue Foaly first?" 

            Holly and Root glanced at each other.  "I'll call the Council and ask." Root answered.  "With all respect, I don't want you in our technology without their express permission."

            "So be it." Artemis replied.  "If they ever make up their minds, I'll be collecting the fairy technology we have from downstairs." he turned to Holly and said, "Stay.  Here." 

            "Yes, Arty." she responded innocently.  Artemis's dark blue eyes narrowed slightly as he left the room. 

**Haven**

            "What!?"  Wing Commander Vinyáya yelped.  "You've got to be kidding!  Let Fowl come down here, _again,_ and then let him into the most important part of Haven?  What are you thinking?"

            "Well," came Root's voice over the speaker in the Council Room, "if everything's still okay there, I guess we could get Foaly first, but if things are still falling apart, Fowl might be able to fix some of the problems."

            "If Fowl comes down here, how do you know that you'll be able to handle him?"  Lope, another Council member, asked.

            "Captain Short and I will be with him at all times.  And believe me, Short is looking for any excuse to beat Fowl into next week." was Root's answer.

            The three Council members looked at each other and nodded.  "All right, bring him down here.  But be careful." 

            "What about the others?  Aren't you going to clear it with the rest of the Council?"

            Cahartez, the third member, sighed.  "The rest were on their way when the computer controlling the waste recyclers went on the blink.  They were buried under enough garbage to stun a goblin. They're at the hospital, recuperating.  This_ is_ the entire Council until they get well."

            The Council members could almost feel Root's wince.  "Ow.  Well, we'll be down ASAP.  That's all."

            "Wait!" Lope called.  "Did Fowl actually agree, you didn't have to threaten him or anything like that?"

            "Um," Root paused, sounding decidedly nervous.  "Something like that."  He cut off before they could question him further.

            "That sounded ominous." Cahartez said.  The other two nodded.

ASN:  Yes, I know it's short.  The next chapter should be up sooner.    


	6. Chapter 5: Opal's Newest Invention

ASN:  It's me again!  See, I told you I would update soon!

AN:      She can do things on time when she really puts her mind to it.

**CHAPTER 5: OPAL'S NEWEST**

**              INVENTION ******

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite"**

            Foaly had struggled into a sitting position by the time Opal returned.  The door in the wall opened, and a man strolled in, Opal following.  

            "Well, you must be the infamous Foaly." the man said.  His voice was low and cold.  The man scared Foaly almost as much as Artemis Fowl had the first time Foaly had seen him.  He had light brown hair, and black eyes.  There was no sign of compassion or mercy in those eyes. 

            "I am Jonathan Rand, owner of California Technology Labs.  Opal here told me you are an inventor I would like to... see.  Is that true?"

            Foaly ignored the Mud Man, looking to Opal instead.  "Opal, isn't this a little elaborate for a scheme just to get revenge on me for always beating you in the science competitions?" 

            Opal's eyes widened with anger.  "What do you mean, you worthless donkey?  I was always better than you.  Always.  No one wanted to believe it, though.  Face it, you were just favored because you were male!" 

            "Ahem," Rand said.  "A very touching reunion, I'm sure, but I have business I need to attend to."  The Mud Man bent down, staring into Foaly's eyes.  "I wish to see more of this astounding fairy technology.  Can you do such a thing?  Show me more of this...?" he gestured, pointing to the lock that had trapped Koboi, and a com-screen.  Foaly frowned.  

            "Where did you get that?" he said, shrugging one shoulder in the screen's direction.

            "Answer my question and I'll answer yours." Rand responded. 

            "I can." Foaly said promptly.  "That doesn't mean I'm going to."

            Rand frowned and straightened.  "In that case, you can stew down here for awhile.  Maybe Opal can try to convince you."

            The pixie smiled, showing pointed teeth.  She would gladly take Rand up on his offer.  And Foaly knew it.

            The centaur gathered his courage and shrugged nonchalantly. "Whatever." 

            Rand left, taking the ferocious pixie with him.  The thugs went back to the door, and slammed it loudly.  Foaly groaned.  Great.  He had been kidnaped for his brains.  Then the centaur grinned.  Julius would be so jealous!

**Chute E1, ****Tara****, ****Ireland******

            Holly and Root had convinced Artemis and Butler to let them be blindfolded on the way to Chute E1.  It had taken a lot of work, and a bit of _mesmer_ on Butler's part.  Artemis didn't seem to mind too much.  After all, he was going to be allowed to crack into the heart of the fairy's technology center.  He didn't _have_ to see where they were going.  

            It had taken even longer to go through the paperwork at the shuttleport. 

            "Look, civilian, we need through.  I know that you haven't gotten confirmation from the Council, because the lines just went down, but we need this place empty for awhile.  And we need the Terminal clear when we get there."

            "Why is that?" the gnome on duty said with a pout.  Root started caressing his buzz baton.  When he spoke again, his voice was dangerously low. 

            "Never mind why, you idiot, just get this place cleared out and do it _now._" 

            The gnome nodded very very fast.  "Yessir." 

            The shuttleport emptied fast, and the LEP officers were able to bring in Artemis and Butler without any hysteria.

            "Everyone aboard," Holly said, gesturing to the shuttle in front of them.  "We think the next flare's in a few minutes."

            Suddenly Root stopped dead.  "You _think_?" he repeated.

            Holly winced at the rage in his eyes.  "Yes, sir." she whispered.  "You see, the flare prediction computer has been having some problems..."

            Root clenched his fists as he gingerly walked onto the shuttle.  "I'm going to kill that centaur if he ever MENTIONS a vacation again.  I'll make him eat the request form!  I'll-"

            Holly climbed into the cockpit and shut out the Commander's threats.  Artemis removed his blindfold and came into the cockpit as well, escaping the noise.

            "Better buckle up, Arty." she chirped as she prepped the ship.  She could feel his stare on her back. 

            "Look fairy-"

            "Oh, fairy now, is it?  Whatever happened to Captain?  Or Holly?" she said, sparing him one glance.  His eyes caught hers, and he began again.  

            "Look, _fairy,_ only my mother calls me that.  _Only_ my mother."

            "Really?"  Holly teased, unable to resist.  "I could have sworn she said something about friends.  What do your friends call you?"

            Root, having finished his spiel about incompetent centaurs, was listening to the conversation as well.

            "Through years of long, hard work, I have no friends.  Only allies." Artemis said matter-of-factly.  

            Holly took off, heading toward the chute and letting the flare, which popped up as predicted, carry them down.  As she heard his response, her face softened slightly.  "No friends whatsoever?  That's sort of sad..."  An evil grin crossed her face.  "...Arty."

            "Captain," Root interrupted before Artemis could say anything, "stop abusing the human."

            Artemis nodded to Root.  "Thank you for your professionalism, Commander.  Now may we continue covering the areas I need to handle in Haven?"

            Root nodded as they coasted up the landing platform in the terminal.  No one was there.  Obviously, that gnome had done his job.  

            "Of course..." Root said, following Artemis into the main shuttle, towards the door. "...Arty." he whispered quietly.  Holly snickered, almost missing the platform in her mirth.  

            Artemis's shoulders stiffened, but he ignored the comment, deciding not to say anything.

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite"**

            Foaly was sulking.  No food yet, and no water.  He guessed that was what Rand had intended by 'stew.'  He could have said starve; that meant the same thing.  The centaur had spent the last hour racking his brain for ideas.  But what could you do with black?  You couldn't escape with it, and you certainly couldn't use it to contact a fairy.  Well, Koboi was here, but that was a whole problem in its own.

            The door opened, and Opal strolled in.

            "Speak of the devil." Foaly muttered.  "What do you want now?"

            Opal's smile was wide.  "Why, I'm taking you on a tour.  Do you have a problem with that?"

            "Going anywhere with you is a problem." Foaly said snidely.  "And you actually plan to untie me?"

            "Of course not." Opal replied.  "Do I look stupid?"  At that question, Foaly grinned and opened his mouth.  She held up a hand.  "If you even think about saying it, I'll have the Mud Men drug you senseless." 

            "So," Foaly said, ignoring her last comment, "how am I going anywhere if I'm not going to be untied?"

            A large Hover chair was propelled through the door.  His eyes widened. "No, I refuse to pushed around like a cooked pig." 

            Opal laughed.  "All the better."

            The two apes heaved a protesting centaur onto the chair.  Then they headed off.  

            "This is California Technology Labs." Opal said.  "A fine place, and quite up-to-date.  In the human world anyway."  She frowned as Foaly ignored her, humming tunelessly.  "Foaly, if you want to keep that voice, pay attention." she said, steel underlining her voice.

            Foaly turned back, eyeing the pixie haughtily.  "Yes, Mother." he said.

            Opal's eyes narrowed.  "Now, Foaly, this is the newest project.  I'm helping them on it."

            "They'll never get it finished." he answered instantly.  She growled low in her throat, then sighed deeply.  

            "You see, this is using the mindwipe technology you discovered, but with a bit of a twist.  You see, taking your technology and JR's, we have made a mindwipingmachine.  Quite simply, we put you in it, wipe your mind, and the information from your mind is transferred to a computer, leaving you with the mental capabilities of a potted plant.  A dumb one." 

            At Foaly's terrified look, she continued.  "I know, why not use truth serum to get our information?  Well, I dislike it, too boring, and besides, you may have built up a resistance.  Lastly, this is much more painful.  And permanent.  Another plus."

            She turned to the guards.  "Take him back, let him consider that." Foaly was carted down the hall.  "Think about it, Foaly," she called, "I'll be back for your answer in a day."

ASN: **Yes**, we are aware of the fact that Opal's mindwiping machine does sound an awful lot like the contraption used to wipe     Artemis and the Butkers minds at the end of the Eternity Code.  As stated in the intro, and a previous chapter, we DID     write this before the EC ever came out.  It's coincidence.  

AN:      A really really freaky coincidence.  Or maybe Eoin Colfer just thinks like us.

ASN:   Poor guy.    


	7. Chapter 6: Caution: Hacker At Work

ASN:   This chapter's a little late due to circumstances beyond my control.  I was out of town.  

AN:      Yeah, and they don't have computers at Renaissance festivals.      

ASN:   Not quite the right time period.  Anyway, here's the next chapter... 

**CHAPTER 6: CAUTION: HACKER AT**

**                                WORK******

**Operations Booth, Haven**

             Artemis walked up to the large double doors that signaled the entrance to the Operations Booth.  They were large and forbidding, boding no trespassers.  They were also firmly locked.

            "All right," he said, sitting in front of the lock.  It was digital, with a slew of access codes and buttons.  Artemis carefully began examining the lock.  It was time for a human to break into the Operations Booth; the one event Foaly had intended the lock to prevent.  

            Butler stood in a corner and observed his charge at work.  Holly watched passively.  She wished Root was here to exchange nasty Mud Men comments with, but he was outside the LEP building, shooing away all curious spectators.  If word got out that a human,_ two_ humans, were in the Lower Elements, in the LEP building, a riot would be the least of their problems.  Mass hysteria would flood the entire city. 

            Artemis quickly pulled the coverplate off the lock and opened the bag he'd brought, pulling out his laptop.  Using a wire from inside the lock, he connected his laptop to Foaly's network.  Instantly a screen came up, asking for his password.  Artemis set three different decoding programs to the puzzle, one in English, the other two in Gnommish.  He prayed Foaly hadn't done any of the passwords in obscure languages, like Atlantian.  He'd never get through.

            "Do you need me to do anything?" Holly asked the Mud Boy, who was intent on the screen.  Artemis looked up for a second.

            "Well, do you have any idea what sort of booby-traps Foaly would have in here?  I really don't want to be electrocuted."

            "Shame," Holly quipped, patting her buzz baton, "I could provide if you did."  The look Artemis gave her told her he was not amused.

            "Well, I know he has a plasma floor." she said.  Artemis looked at her.

            "And...this would be?" he prompted.  Holly smiled.

            "What, the mighty Artemis Fowl doesn't know?" she taunted.

            "Sorry, I hadn't hacked into that section of Foaly's network yet." he fired back.

            "Children, children..." Butler sighed, walking up.  "Let's try working together for a change, hmm?"  

            "Tried that.  Didn't work." Holly snapped.  Suddenly, the door slid open.  

            "Success." Artemis said, looking unsurprised.  He unobtrusively pushed the SAVE command on his computer, downloading the passwords into his hard drive. 

            "Foaly won't like that." Butler whispered into his charge's ear.

            "What Foaly doesn't know won't hurt him.  Or me." Artemis responded.  Artemis stood and moved to Holly, who was at the door, staring into the shadowy confines of the Operations Booth.

            "After you!" they both said at the same time.  Butler couldn't help a slight snicker, and the two turned to glare at him.  He stopped immediately, pasting his usual impassive look on his face.  Artemis turned back first.  He picked up a spool of wire from his hacker bag and tossed it gently onto the floor.  Immediately sparks flew where the spool bounced.  A laser arced across the room, and Holly and Artemis covered their eyes.  When they looked, the spool had been melted it into slag.  Holly looked pale.  

            "Well, now what do we do?" she asked.  Artemis frowned, and returned to his laptop, totally ignoring the open door. 

            "Uh, hello, Mud Boy?" Holly asked incredulously, looking at the human typing away furiously.  "What are you doing?"

            "Working on my complete and detailed plan for world domination, of course.  I'm all the way to Volume 12." he said distractedly, continuing to type.  Holly's eyes narrowed.  Artemis finished, then moved back to the door.  He leaned forward, carefully avoiding all contact with the Booth floor, and hit the light switch.  The lights obediently came on.  Then Artemis flicked them back off, then on again.  

            "Yes, we've ascertained that the lights work." Holly snapped.  Artemis ignored her and tossed another spool onto the floor.  Sparks flew as the spool bounced, but no laser melted it.  Holly looked puzzled.

            "Flipping the lights turns off the laser?" she asked incredulously.  Artemis nodded, with a superior air.  

            "Yes.  I'm sure they are voice activated, but there has to be a manual turn-off switch.  The only place that could be would be by the door, otherwise Foaly'd be fried when he tried to get in to turn it off.  Besides, that's what I would do."  Holly frowned.

            "If you knew, why did you have to mess with your laptop?"  

            "Oh, I had an idea on how to disrupt the satellite communications for whenever I move to annex the Pacific Islands.  You have to write these things down right away, otherwise you forget them." he said airily.  It was all Holly could do to keep herself from shoving her buzz baton down the human's throat.

            "All right, any ideas for the floor?" she asked, straining to keep her voice civil.  It didn't work.  Artemis nodded, and held up a hydrosion shell.  

            "Where did you get that?" Holly asked.  

            "From your belt."

            "What?" she demanded, confused.  Her hand strayed to her belt, which was, sure enough, missing a fizzer.  Her eyes shot back to Artemis, who was calmly prying off the lid.

            "_How_ did you get that?!" she shouted, making no effort to be quiet.  Artemis ignored her.  She shot a look at Butler, who shrugged innocently.

            "He asked for lessons." he said simply.  Holly turned back to the teen, gritting her teeth, just as he tossed the fizzer onto the plasma floor.  

            Sparks erupted in showers, and a hissing noise filled the empty LEP building.                

            "What do you think you're doing?" Holly bellowed as the steam cleared.  Artemis didn't answer, but turned and walked into the Operations Booth.  Nothing happened.

            "Coming?" he threw back over his shoulder to the livid elf.  She growled low in her throat, but followed.  

            "How permanent is this little solution of yours?" she asked snidely.  

            "Foaly will have to fix the short-circuit when he comes back.  I couldn't waste any more time to turn the floor off." he answered, making a beeline for Foaly's massive computer.

            "So what amazing trick are you going to pull out of your sleeve for this?" Holly asked sarcastically.  

            "No tricks.  We're going to have to do this the old-fashioned way."   He plugged his laptop into Foaly's immense computer and booted it up.  Once set up, he again put the decryption program to work.  After 10 seconds, his virus detection program popped up.

            "Great." he muttered.  Holly turned at his tone.

            "What?"

            "There's a virus being sent to my computer.  Foaly booby-trapped it." he frowned.  "I'm going to have shut down the laptop and try again."

            He did so, and was again rewarded with a virus.  

            "Joy.  We're going to have to do this the _really_ old-fashioned way.  Any clue what his password could be?" he asked Holly.  She shrugged.

            "I don't know how his mind works; neither does anybody else."  She paused, then smiled.  "I doubt he does."

             "Okay."  Artemis typed in 'Foaly.'  A beep was his answer.  _Password incorrect._  He typed in 'centaur.' _ Password incorrect._

            "I need ideas." he said shortly.  Holly sat down. 

             "All right, try..."

**Fowl Manor**

Angeline walked into Artemis's room.  She had spent all morning doing light dusting, for lack of anything else to do.  She couldn't settle down with everyone gone.  She even missed Juliet.  And Angeline hated wrestling.  

            She paused by his desk.  Something seemed off.  

            "If he's going spelunking, why did he take his laptop?" she mused aloud.  

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite"**

            Foaly sat sulking in his black room.  He had perfected the look over the centuries.  If he glared any harder, maybe he could make the walls fall down.

              A crack of light appeared in one wall.  "Hey, I did it!" he exclaimed, feeling proud and a little surprised.  Then Rand sauntered into the cell.

            "Oh, it's you." Foaly said, making a conscious effort to sound bored.  And unsurprised.  

            "My, my, Foaly, such enthusiasm." Rand leaned against the wall.  His voice lost all traces of mirth and became deadly serious.  "We need to talk.  Heart to heart, man to..." he paused, "whatever."

            "About what?" the centaur asked warily.  "Unless you're going to set me free, I'm not interested." 

            "I can set you free."

            Foaly eyed him.  "Keep talking." 

            "I know Opal showed you the mindwipe machine.  Frankly, I'd prefer not to use it on you.  Waste...disgusts me."

            "Yeah, the very idea disgusts me too."  Foaly said sarcastically.  Rand leaned in close to him.

            "In that case, I have a proposition for you.  Think about it, Foaly.  You and me, together.  Whatever those... People are paying you, I'll double it.  Triple it.  We can be partners.  Just us two." 

            "What about Opal?"  Foaly asked.

            "What _about_ her?"  Rand continued. "With our brains, together, and my resources and contacts, we could rule the technological world."

            Foaly looked him up and down dispassionately. "I already do." he said simply, stating a fact.  Rand sighed deeply and stood.

            "I'm sorry you feel that way, Foaly.  We could have made millions.  Been famous."

            "Rich, famous centaurs don't go over too well in the human world."

            Rand headed for the door.  "Shame," he said, looking over his shoulder, "you seemed to have such potential."

            "Funny.  I could have said the same thing about you."  Foaly smiled.  

            The door shut, leaving Foaly in darkness.  Again. 

ASN:  I'll put up the next chapter soon.  Really.  


	8. Chapter 7: The Best of the Best

ASN:   Hello again.  Here's the new chapter...

AN:      We're too tired to be funny tonight...

**CHAPTER 7: THE BEST OF THE BEST******

**Operations Booth**

            Butler had come in twice, relaying unrepeatable demands from Root about why they were taking so long.  It had been two hours since Holly had given up and curled up in a corner, fists protectively on top of her Neutrino.  Artemis didn't mind; he already had one of those.  

            _Password incorrect._

            "I am _really_ starting to hate that phrase." Artemis muttered under his breath.  He sat there, not moving.  He looked up suddenly.  

            "Holly, what was the name...?" he stopped and stared at the elf.  "Holly?"  He walked over to her still form, bent down and touched her lightly on the shoulder.  "Holly?"

            At his touch, the elf erupted, and he didn't see the fist until it was too late.  He fell back into the swivel chair, hand going to his nose to stop the bleeding.  

            Holly looked up.  "Huh?" she stopped, seeing the blood and the disgruntled look on his face. "Oh, sorry." she said, but the slight smile on her face told a different story.  

            "I just bet you are." he murmured.  "Now that you're awake, what was the name of Foaly's ex-girlfriend?"

            "Uh, Defea."  Holly said.  "You woke me up for that?" 

            "_Sorry_." Artemis said, very insincerely.  He typed the name into the computer.  It obligingly let him in.  

            Holly's jaw dropped.  "That's the most horrible password I've ever heard."  Artemis was pressing his handkerchief to his nose and pointedly ignoring her comment.  

            "Now, what do you want me to do?  Or more specifically, what _not_ to do?" he asked. 

            "Don't ever wake me up again-." 

            "Don't worry; I won't,"Artemis interrupted. 

            "-But other than that, start bringing things back on line."  Artemis grinned and started scrolling through the list of commands.  While doing so, he shrewdly pressed the DOWNLOAD button on his laptop.

            Just in time to have it almost slammed shut on his fingers.  

            "Don't." Holly growled.__

            Butler walked in and saw the elf giving Artemis the evil eye, his charge's nose was bleeding_-  great, she hit him again_-, and he had finally broken Foaly's code.  

            "Artemis, are you all right?" he asked, concerned.  The teen nodded.

            "I'm fine, Butler, just woke the wrong fairy at the wrong time.  Oh, you can go tell Root I have the system up and running.  Things should start clearing up soon."

            "I'll tell him." Butler responded.  "Captain, you coming?" 

            "Nope," she said, "I'm staying right here and keeping an eye on Mr. Nosey."

            "You don't trust me, Holly?" Artemis said with a mock frown.

            "I find it safer not to, no." she responded jeeringly.  Butler sighed deeply and walked out.  They hadn't killed each other yet, why start now?

            After an hour of Artemis manually starting everything back up, all the computer controlled systems were back on track.  Just about everything was back to normal.  Now, all they had to do was find Foaly before anything broke and _couldn't_ be fixed.  

            "Any ideas?"  Root had given Butler and Artemis all the information he had on  Foaly, Opal, and the Mud Men who had taken her.  Artemis sat and thought.

            "Foaly never set up any precaution in case he was kidnapped?" Artemis asked.  Holly shook her head.

            "I never heard of one, neither has the Commander." 

            Artemis nodded.  "Well, I suppose we could try tracing the dart manufacturers.  Find out where it came from..."  

            Root quickly vetoed that idea.  "We already tried, before the trace program went bonkers.  A dead end."  

            "I..." Suddenly Artemis stopped.  He had an odd look in his eye, one Holly and Root immediately distrusted.  

            "Yes, Mud Boy?" Holly prompted.  Artemis blinked, then looked at the fairies.

            "Does the LEP at Howler's Peak record events there?" he asked.  Root nodded.  

            "Yes, they do.  They tape the caves, the command room; they even had a camera at Koboi's tree." he paused.  "Why?"

            "Well," the teenage mastermind said, "haven't you reviewed the tape of Koboi being freed?  You did, correct?" 

            Root went totally silent.  Not one word.

            "Commander?"  Holly inquired.  "Are you okay?"

            Artemis was leaning back in Foaly's swivel chair and grinning like the Cheshire Cat.  

            "And how many of the 'best and the brightest' Lower Elements Police did you assign to his recovery?" Artemis asked snidely.  "They've obviously been doing their job well."  Root turned to Holly.

            "Captain, get him out of here before I kill him.  And get us _all_ on a shuttle to Howler's Peak."

            "Yes, sir.  Come on, Butler, _Arty,_ let's go." 

            Butler sighed, very glad he hadn't taught Artemis jujitsu yet.  Judging from the icy look in the teen's eyes, Holly would have been a three foot tall pretzel.  

ASN:   Oh, this one was really short.  Oops.  If I remember, I'll put the next chapter up tomorrow.  

AN:      *grins evilly*  Don't worry, I'll remind her.


	9. Chapter 8: Return to Howler's Peak

AN:      It's a good thing I reminded her, or she wouldn't have put up the new chapter!

ASN:   *glares at evil sister*  _Some people have other things they have to do besides work on fanfics.  Important things._

AN:      An accounting exam can't possibly be that important.  Which would you rather work on, anyway?

**CHAPTER 8: RETURN TO HOWLER'S PEAK**

**Howler's Peak Landing Platform**

            Holly gritted her teeth as she set down the shuttle at the Howler's Peak platform.  Landing there wasn't supposed to be easy.  Any goblin smart enough to pilot a shuttle surely couldn't be coordinated enough to float half way down, then turn 180 degrees to avoid hitting an outcropping rock.  Besides, airsick goblins are easier to transport to their cells than active goblins.  She unlatched her seat belt and shrugged her shoulders, easing the tense muscles.  The only reward for the nerve-wracking task was the green look on her passengers' faces.  

            "Everybody out for Howler's Peak!" she said sweetly.  There was a draft as the three bolted for the door.  She followed.  

            "Uh, Commander!" she called.  When Root turned to her, she motioned widely to the two humans.

            "Oh, right." he said, then turned to Butler and Artemis.  "You two will have to stay here."

            "Yeah, you might scare the inmates." Holly catcalled.  Butler turned slowly, menacingly, and Holly quickly moved to stand by Root.  

            "Well, Captain, do you want us to follow the _human _definition of 'stay here' or the _fairy_ definition of 'stay here?'"  Artemis asked scathingly.  Holly pulled out her laser.

            "_My_ definition of 'stay here.'" she said pleasantly.  Root grinned, and the two headed towards the facility.  

            Artemis shrugged and pulled out his laptop.  

            "Time to start Volume 13." he said as he started hacking into Foaly's network with his new passwords.  

**Howler's Peak, Control Room**

            Lieutenant Sland snapped to attention as the two senior LEP officers entered the control room.

            "If this about the gambling, sir, I promise it stopped as soon as the dwarf got back in his cell." the nervous elf rattled off.

            "What gambling?" Holly asked, confused.

            "Good question." Sland immediately responded.  "No idea whatsoever."       

            Holly and Root looked at each other, then mentally shrugged.  "Lieutenant," Root said, "We're looking for the videotape records you have from Koboi's tree.  Can you give us the one from the day she was kidnaped?"  

            Sland looked even more uneasy than before.  "Um, I'm sorry, sir, but I can't give those out without express clearance from the Council."  His voice was low, and he tried not to look Root in the eyes.

            "Lieutenant." Root sharply commanded.  "Look at me."  Sland did so.

            "I need that tape, it is a matter of life or death.  It is highly important.  I know the Council hasn't given you clearance, and that's because we couldn't ask since communications are down.  We only need it for about 10 minutes."  The Commander's voice was low and menacing.  Sland swallowed.

            "Sir, I'm sorry, but it just won't happen." he squeaked.  "It's against regulations."

            Root's eyes narrowed.  "Look, Lieutenant.  I need that tape, and I can't stress enough its importance.  Now, I have a lot of influence in the Council.  So I'll put it like this.  Give me the tape, or they will learn of this 'gambling' problem you're so worried about."  

            "But," Sland was dead pale. "That's blackmail!"

            "Yes.  It is."  Root agreed, tapping his fingers.  Sland straightened.  

            "Sir, with all respect, you can't do that!" he stated.  Root's face started to redden, and Holly decided to step in.

            "Look, Sland," she said chummily, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, "we don't want to do anything to you that will ruin your standing.  So, tell you what.  You look the other way while we take the tape.  If all goes well, and we're really on a legitimate quest, we will inform the Council of your enthusiastic assistance.  If we're lying, you were overpowered.  Either way, you won't get in trouble.  If anything goes wrong, we'll gladly take the blame."

            "Well," Sland said, looking at the pair and sighing, "all right.  But please don't get me in trouble about it, okay?  I have enough to deal with as it is."

            A curse, referring to goblins and their mothers in general, came from the cells, and a slew of angry gang chants answered it.  Sland's shoulders slumped momentarily, then he turned to Holly and Root.

  "Excuse me." he said quickly, then marched off.  A moment later, the two LEP officers heard a bellow loud enough to rival Root.

            "Cut it out, or I'll shove that fireball down your throat myself, Clay!  Look, dwarf, you're asking for it!  The rest of you, sit down and SHUT UP!!"

            Holly headed for the records room.  After a moment of browsing the dusty tapes, she saw one  labeled for the day Koboi had disappeared, and grabbed it.

            "Got it, Commander!" she called as she returned.  Root glanced at her, still listening to Sland's threats.  

            "He's good.  At first, I didn't think he had the guts to be the jailer here.  I guess he can handle it just fine."  He nodded as he saw the tape.  "Good, let's go.  I don't trust that Mud Boy alone near our equipment anymore than I can throw him." 

            Artemis looked up from his position on the seat of the shuttle as the two fairies returned.  Holly glanced at the laptop.  "What are you working on?" she questioned.

            The teen criminal closed the computer and gave her a mischievous smirk.  "Volume 13," he said smoothly, taking the tape from her hand.  Root frowned.

            "Volume 13?  Of what?" he inquired curiously.  Holly shook her head, exasperated. 

            "Don't ask." 

            Butler slid the tape into a strange looking television/VCR on the shuttle.  The four allies watched as Koboi ran from the dogs, attempted to _mesmer_ize the humans, fail, and finally convince them to take her with them.  A few minutes later, they saw Sland and his team jump out of the bushes.

            Artemis stood, rewinding the tape.  "Look," he said, "right... here!"  He paused the tape, pointing to one of the men.  Root tapped his fingers on his armrest.

            "Yes, Mud Boy?" he asked, looking slightly confused.  

            Artemis decided to hold his comment, and instead said, "Here.  This man's hat says something.  Most of the time it's a baseball team, but this seems to be a logo of some kind."

            "Maybe it has _princess_ on it." Holly quipped.  "Face it, Artemis, it could be anything.  And now what are you doing?" 

            Artemis had returned to his computer, plugging it into the large liquid crystal TV while she had been talking.  Now he downloaded the picture into the computer, and pulled up another program.  

            "And what does that do?" Root asked.  "Clear up reception?"

            "Actually, yes, it does."  Artemis said, as the picture sharpened.  "It goes through each pixel one by one, refocusing each until it reaches the maximum quality.  Then it puts them all together, centering the photo until it's as clear as real life.  It's quite simple, really."

            "I see."  Root said.  A lie.  

              The picture slowly came into focus, and three red words appeared on the Mud Man's cap.  **California**** Technology Labs**.  Artemis sat back with a smirk.  

            "What would you do without me?" 

            Root glared at him.  "Be half a ton of gold richer." he snarled.  Holly was already revving up the engines.  

            "California I can find.  Where are these labs?" she called back over her shoulder.  Artemis was searching for the company on the Internet even as she spoke.  

            "The main offices are in Pasadena.  With branches in L.A, San Francisco, San Diego, and Alameda."  He turned to Root.  "Where would you like to start?"  

            "What are the facilities like?" Root asked worriedly.  Artemis sighed. 

            "Do you expect complete floor plans to be posted on the Internet?  Humans may not be your version of the 'best and the brightest', but we don't set out welcome mats for burglars."  

            Holly grinned.  "You would know, wouldn't you, Arty."

            Artemis completely ignored her and turned to Root.  "However, you can probably expect barbed wire, guards, guns, electronic surveillance, and I wouldn't be surprised if they had infrared  sensors."

            "How do you know?" Root asked curiously.  Artemis grinned slightly.

            "Do you really want to know?" he countered.  Root groaned.

            "No, not really."  They paused and held on for dear life as Holly entered the chute leading to Pasadena.  

            "So," Root said, "how are we going to get in?"  Artemis frowned.

            "I have an idea, but I'd like some more time to work on it."  Root shook his head.

            "Uh-uh.  Things will start breaking again in the Lower Elements.  We need Foaly and we need him now.  Talk."  

            "All right..." Artemis said, "But don't yell at me if it doesn't work out perfectly."

AN:      I think that one was even shorter.

ASN:   I think you're right.  Unfortunately, I can't stick up a new chapter every night.  I forget.

AN:      Oh well.  *brightly* They can read our other Artemis Fowl story while they're waiting!

ASN:   *pauses in disbelief*  I can't believe you just stuck a plug for our other story in this note.  

AN:      It's called Artemis Fowl 4 for lack of a better title.

ASN:   *lectures*  Advertising the story like that was rude, crude, and obnoxious.

AN:      Jealous that I thought of it first?

ASN:   Yeah.   


	10. Chapter 9: The Pixie Strikes Back

ASN:  A thousand apologies for my tardiness.  

AN:      Tests.  And lots of 'em.  

**CHAPTER 9: THE PIXIE STRIKES BACK******

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite"**

            Foaly had managed to work off one of the ropes, freeing his back hooves.  Shame he couldn't do anything with his back hooves.  The only thing he could do with them was tap, and no one friendly would be near enough to hear Morse code.  He sighed.  It was taking the LEP a long time to find him.  Then he frowned.  All of his booby-traps probably had their undivided attention.  He'd set a couple things to go wrong, so that when he returned everyone would be glad to see him, and the Council would be more likely to listen to his request for a raise.  Now that he had been gone too long, things would be breaking right and left.  They'd probably just hang him when he returned.  If he returned. 

            "Wait! Depressing thoughts!" he muttered, "It's okay.  I will be fine.  Julius and Holly will rescue me.  I must depend on Julius."

            The centaur started crying.  "I'll never get outta here!" he wailed.  Opal stuck her head in the door.

            "Having fun?" she inquired sweetly.

            "Tons," replied Foaly with a straight face, all trace of tears gone.  

            "Afraid Commander Root and his girlfriend won't get here?" she asked.

            "Oh, no, I know they'll get here." Foaly said brightly, and Opal left as quickly as she came in, stopping just long enough to re-tie his back hooves.

            "I just don't know when.  And I might be a potted plant when they do." Foaly muttered, tugging at his bonds.     

            Opal opened the door again.  "Oh, I forgot.  Have you made up your mind yet?  JR is tired of waiting."

            "It hasn't been a day yet!" Foaly protested.

            "I'm sure it's a new day somewhere in the world.  Besides, I'm looking forward to mindwiping you.  I think the first thing I'll have you do is scrub the entire building on your hands and knees...and knees."

            "No more centaur jokes.  I've heard them all." Foaly groaned.  Opal grinned.

            "Decision time.  The clock is ticking."

            "Uh, I need more time." Foaly said desperately.  Opal shook her head.

            "No, no, centaur, no more time.  Just say yes." she said seriously.  

            "I am being perfectly serious and honest with you, Opal.  This Rand person told me that he'd go into partnership with me, cut you out completely.  He can't be trusted.  Don't you think the both of us should get out here and back to the Lower Elements while we still can?" 

            Opal turned and left, calling back over her shoulder as she went, "I'll rev up the machine while you say your prayers."  She closed the door and left him in the darkness, an evil laugh hanging in the stillness.

            "Really.  How melodramatic.  'Say your prayers,' evil laugh, pure black, all that mumbo-jumbo.  It's almost like they expect me to be scared."  Which he was, of course, but you'd never get him to admit it.  He leaned back against the wall and started sending up pleas to the Great Centaur Who Ruled Over the Galaxy.

**California**** Technology Labs, Main Entrance**

            Root cautiously pushed aside some branches of the large hedge that covered the outside of the 10 foot barbed wire fence. He peered through the wire mesh at the well-lit, black glass building. Guards patrolled the outside, and Root could tell by his infrared lens on his helmet that there were guards stationed on the roof too.  At least there weren't any infrared sensors.

            "Foaly, if we ever get you out of here alive, I'll kill you." he whispered. He turned back to look at his companions. Holly and Butler were busy cutting a hole in the fence. The two elves could fly over it, and between the two of them, they could probably even carry Artemis. As if he'd agree to that. Butler was another story, however, so they were cutting a perfectly unmagical hole in the fence.

            "Where's Artemis?" Root asked, whispering. Holly shrugged, and Butler didn't appear worried, so he must be around. The commander slipped past them, looking for the teen.            

            "Right. I'll be expecting you." came a soft voice from behind a bend in the hedge. When Root had pushed through the branches, he found Artemis there, returning his cell phone to his pocket.

            "What were you doing?" Root asked, "We're almost ready to go."

            "I was verifying a business arrangement." Artemis said haughtily, moving in the general direction to the others. Root moved directly into the Mud Boy's way.

            "Can't your little criminal activities wait until after we save Foaly?"" he hissed.

            "Didn't your mother ever tell you not to put off till tomorrow what you can do today?" Artemis asked with a slight grin. He pushed past Root and joined Holly and Butler at the fence.

            "After I kill Foaly, he's next." Root grumbled as he reluctantly approached the group. 

            Root and Holly activated their wings.

            "One of us will come get you when it's safe." Root said, hovering at eye level. The two humans nodded. The elves activated their shields and silently disappeared into the night.

            "Good luck," Artemis whispered, too softly to be heard, even by Butler.

            Holly and Root came in quickly and silently. They broke ranks about 50 yards from the building. Holly zoomed up to the roof. She could see the sentry pacing back and forth along the wall, clutching a silenced AK 47. A walkie-talkie rested on the man's hip. Holly floated right in front of the sentry's nose and reappeared.

            _"Nice human."_ she crooned, her voice loaded with _mesmer_, _"Now keep walking, patrolling just like you were. You don't see anything strange. If anyone calls, you've seen nothing. All right?" _The human nodded dumbly, eyes heavy. 

            _"Good human. Thank you for your cooperation. Have a nice day." _she said sweetly, and reshielded. Below her, she could see the Mud Man continuing his prowl, oblivious. She grinned.

            "I love my work."

            While she had dealt with the Mud Man on the roof, Root had _mesmer_ed the guard patrolling the parking lot and the guard at one of the side doors. The Mud Man invited him in with surprisingly little prompting, and he had also helpfully unlocked the door for him, and Root had flown inside, looking for cameras. He immediately saw one camera, slowly turning its mechanical head to pan up and down the corridor. Root snorted softly.

            "Piece of junk Human machine."  They would be able to sneak past the camera without using magic, always a plus. _Mesmer_ was a relatively easy piece of magic, but you couldn't do it continuously. Anytime you could outwit the humans by their own rules, you saved some magic for emergencies. And made the Mud People feel really dumb if they ever found out. 

            Using his helmet lens, Root saw Holly appear at his elbow. 

            "Get the humans in here." he ordered over their comm system. She nodded and flew off to retrieve them. She flew over the fence and reappeared on the other side, behind the two. She grinned slightly as she sneaked up behind them. Root would not approve, but it would be worth it to see the Mud Boy jump. She reached out to tap Artemis on the shoulder, but missed when he casually turned around. 

            "Are we ready to go?" he inquired. 

            Holly covered her scowl of frustration with a small cough.

            "Yes. Come on. And stay to the shadows." she ordered. At least it was some compensation to tell _him_ what to do for a change. She turned and flew over the fence without another word. Artemis shouldered his hacker pack and followed Butler through the hole in the fence. 

            The two humans ran from shadow to shadow, in quick spurts, then stopping and waiting until Holly appeared and gave them the go ahead. She led them in a torturous path through the parking lot that managed to avoid every single one of the cameras attached to light posts. Artemis didn't really mind. Quick sprints were easier than flat-out running, and a lot easier than trying to jump on a moving train. After a final sprint from the shadow of a delivery van, they appeared at the side door. The guard attending it stared straight ahead, ignoring them easily. The three slipped past him and into the hall, where Root was waiting.

            "There's a camera a little up the hall. I unlocked one of the offices up there, but we'll have to slip past the camera." The humans nodded. Without further ado, Artemis waited until the camera was looking further down the hall, then ran until he was directly under the camera. When the camera turned to look up the hall, the teen ran down to the unlocked door and jumped inside. Root turned to Holly. 

            "He did that very well." he commented, surprised, on the private comm system. Holly sighed. Nothing Artemis Fowl did surprised her anymore. 

            Butler stared at the camera, waiting for it to move away from his position.  As it did, he slipped down the hallway silently.  Holly knew ants that made more noise than the bodyguard.  He paused under the camera, as Artemis had, and waited until it was pointed away, and then he slid into the room.  

            Root switched on his shield, motioning for Holly to do the same.  She did, and they followed the same path as the humans to the unlocked office.


	11. Chapter 10: Techno Wars

ASN:  I actually tried putting this up earlier, but the site was down.  I know it's a little late, but it wasn't my fault.

AN:      For once.

ASN:   *glares* Comments from the peanut gallery are not appreciated.

AN:      *evil grin*  Anyway, this chapter's longer than usual.  Be happy.  

CHAPTER 10: TECHNO WARS

**California**** Technology Labs, Bottom Floor**

            The two fairies looked into the office to see Artemis sitting in front of a large computer.  His fingers were typing rapidly as screen after screen of classified information came up.  Root successfully kept his mouth from falling open.  

            "How did you get into their files so fast?" he asked the criminal.  Artemis shrugged.  

            "Well, last summer, I created a new Windows-type operating system for PCs.  It's easier, more efficient, and cheaper than the older version Microsoft uses.  Obviously, the owner here has gotten a hold of a prototype."

            "Obviously," Holly said with no little amount of sarcasm.  

            Artemis ignored her.  "When I created the program, I left myself a back door into the system.  I can get into it fairly easily, just by bypassing any and all passwords the user may have installed.  Fairly simple, really."

            Holly turned to Root.  "Remind Foaly never to use any technology he produces."  She whispered.  

            Butler pointed to a file that had been pulled up.  "This," he said, "is from the main network computer."

            Root looked at the humans.  "With this back door, you can get into the entire network?" he whispered in shock.  "You could get into any computer, anywhere, that uses your software."

            Artemis turned to look at the elf, and smiled his famous vampire smile.  "I know." he said modestly.

            Root decided to let that one pass, and motioned to the bodyguard.

            "What did you find in that file?" he asked.

            "Well, the company's expenditures for the last week have been significantly higher than anything they've done for the last few months, and many checks have written to classified companies."  Artemis moved the mouse pointer to the payee line marked 'classified' and clicked on it.  The information popped up obediently.  

            "And why does that matter?" Root asked, confused.  Artemis sighed.

            "They have Opal, they may have Foaly, and they're spending a lot of money on things no one is allowed to know about.  Are those words small enough for you?" he asked snidely.  Root turned red.  Again.  For the eight hundredth time since they picked up the miserable Mud Boy.  He calmed himself by patting his buzz baton.  

            "Can the sarcasm and continue, Mud Boy." he snarled.  

            "My best guess is that they're building something, and that they have Foaly." the teen replied.

            "What?  A guess?" Holly asked incredulously.  

            "I'm working on it.  But they do have Foaly." he said confidently.  The two fairies leaned forward.

            "How do you know?" they asked simultaneously.  Artemis pointed at the classified payee slot he'd been reading.  It was a check written to a Taiwan drug company, for a very expensive equine tranquilizer.  

            "Oh." they chorused softly.  Root cleared his throat, and spoke louder.  "All right, we know they have him.  So, where is he?" 

            Artemis pulled up a blueprint of the building.  "The elevator stops at the fourteenth floor.  However, there is another floor above that, one that requires keys to make the elevator continue up.  That's undoubtedly where the CO's office is, and probably where they keep their...guests."  

            "Great.  How do we get there?" Holly asked.  

            "We take the stairs."  Artemis said, punching in a few more commands on his laptop before he disconnected it from the office computer.  He loaded his stuff into his hacker bag and casually walked out the door.  

            Three jaws hit the floor at the same time.  "ARTEMIS!!!"  He turned back, standing smack in the middle of the hallway.  

            "Yes?" he inquired innocently.  

            "The cameras are going to see you!" Holly hissed.  The teenager shrugged.

            "No, they're not." he said.  The three companions nodded vigorously.  

            "Yes, they are!"

            Artemis smirked.  "No, they're not.  I sent a loop into the security cameras, like Foaly did when I kidnapped Holly.  I decided it was only fair, and besides, judging on the amount of time it took me to discover the loop, I figure we have an hour."

            "It took you an hour to find out they were looped?" Holly asked in surprise.  Artemis grinned viciously.  

            "No, it took me twenty minutes, but I believe it will take them three times as long.  Especially if the president of the company isn't here."  

            "What if the president is here?" Butler asked. 

            "Forty-five minutes." he said.  "So, let's go." 

            The rest of the group followed cautiously.  They found the stairs easily, and pounded up fourteen flights.  The fairies were sure the entire building would fall down from Butler's footsteps.  But since no alarms were going off and no guard popped out of nowhere to investigate the sound, they didn't press the issue.  Artemis kept up without much trouble, and Holly was torn between grudging admiration for his current fitness and disappointment that she couldn't complain about it anymore.  

            They stopped suddenly at the end of the fourteenth level.  There was a large, padlocked door in their way.  As one, the fairies turned to Artemis.  

            "Well, genius?" Holly said sarcastically.  Artemis looked at her blandly.

            "Well?" he echoed.  "What are you waiting for?  An engraved invitation?"

            "What?"  Holly turned back to the door.  It was standing wide open and Butler was beckoning impatiently.  She wanted to wipe that knowing smirk off of Artemis's face _so badly_.  And only the thought that they needed him to get out stopped her from back-handing him down fourteen flights of stairs.  

            The four headed up the stairs and came to a large fire door simply marked fifteen.  Before anyone could move toward the doorknob, Artemis said,

            "This door is alarmed, and I couldn't turn it off from the computer downstairs.  We're going to have to disconnect it manually." 

            Before either of the humans could move, Root turned to Holly.  "Take care of it, Captain."  She flashed him a perfect salute and took a pair of tiny wire clippers from her belt.  One snip, and the wire wrapped around the lock was history.  

**Fowl Manor **

            Angeline Fowl sat brooding at her huge, Victorian style oak desk.  Artemis Sr. had just hung up the phone, having another business meeting to attend.  Now, once again, the entire manor was silent.  And Angeline was lonely. 

            "Well, Arty said not to call," she murmured to herself.  

**California**** Technology Labs, Level 15**

            Opal was humming gaily as she put the finishing touches on the mindwiping machine.  She stepped back and looked at her greatest invention.  The entire machine was matte black, and just _screamed_ ominous.  She'd been given permission to redecorate the room to make it as frightening as possible.  It looked like a medieval dungeon, with stone walls and floors.  Torches flickered, and there were enough manacles on the wall to hold an army.  She'd always been a romantic. 

            The pair of headphones attached to a black computer seemed slightly out-of-place.  

            The design was ingenious, really.  Nothing Foaly ever would have come up with.  All you had to do was slip the headphones onto the... guinea pig, press a sequence of buttons, and voila, fricasseed Foaly.  The computer would mindwipe him in a matter of seconds, and convert the electronic pulses into readable material.  

            Opal had finished lovingly wiping the machine down when a massive hand clamped onto her shoulder and spun her around and lifted her right off the ground.  She squeaked in fright when she saw one of her worst nightmares.  

            An immensely tall, well muscled Mud Man held her easily in one grip.  She recognized the hulk immediately.   

            "You're that bodyguard." she whispered.  "How did you get in here?"  The question was answered by a voice from below.

            "Hello." Captain Holly Short said sweetly. "Long time no see, Opal.  How's life as a convict been treating you?  Oh, I love what you've done with the place, by the way.  The torches are a nice touch."  

            Butler dropped Opal and she fell like a brick.  She landed on her feet though, and was up and facing the fairies in no time.  "What do you want?  Why are you here?"  She backed away from the LEP officers as she fired questions at them. 

            "Three guesses and the first two don't count." Root snarled.  "Where's the centaur?"  

            "Uh, centaur?  What centaur?  Oh, you must mean Foaly, how is he?  I kept meaning to look him up when I was set free, but I hadn't gotten to it yet.  I misplaced my donkey repellent."  Suddenly, the pixie bolted for door.  Freedom was at hand.  

            THUMP! 

            Artemis staggered as the pixie bounced off of his knees and landed with a thud on the floor.  The teen stared down at her.  "I didn't think you fairies could get any shorter." he said incredulously.  Holly winced and Root just sighed.  Butler, hiding a grin, picked up the pixie and held her more securely.  Artemis gazed around the dungeon and his eyes fell upon the computer.  Within seconds, he was at the keyboard and typing furiously.  

            "No!!" shouted Opal.  "You can't do that!"  

            "Why not?" Artemis asked absentmindedly.  "I wonder what the headphones are for.  Perhaps we should put them on Miss Koboi."  

            "No!" Opal yelped.  "I mean, you don't want to do that.  It's not, um, nice."  She was floundering for excuses.  Holly grinned.

            "Okay, tell us what this is, or we'll put the headphones on you and let Artemis start pushing buttons."  Opal's eyes widened.  

            "You can't do that to me!  I'm a fairy, I have rights!  The Council would never let you get away with this!"  

            Root studied the pixie.  "Because you made off with a valuable fairy citizen, who has rights, _unlike convicts_, the Council is buried under three tons of garbage.  As long as we get Foaly back, they don't care how we do it."

            "What is this?" Artemis asked curiously, motioning to the computer monitor.  The pixie pressed her lips together, then decided to be dramatic.

            "I'll never tell." she declared to the unamused fairies.  "No matter what you do to me."

            Holly shrugged and picked up the headphones.  "Okaaaay." 

            "Uh, it's a mindwiping machine." Opal said promptly.  The fairies looked at each other in confusion, and Artemis said, 

            "How does it work?"  Opal glanced at Holly and started talking.  

            "The headphones send electronic pulses into the brain, wiping the person's mind and depositing the contents on the computer's hard drive."

            "Leaving the victim with no more mental capabilities than a potted plant." Artemis finished, nodding understandingly.  

            "Exactly." Opal beamed.  "My greatest work." 

            Within seconds, Opal was hanging suspended from the manacles surrounding her 'greatest work.'

            "Wait!!  You can't leave me here!" she yelped.  Holly grinned at her, a thoroughly scary experience.

            "Watch us."  

            Root stopped and turned.  

            "Oh, I almost forgot.  Where's Foaly?" he questioned.  

            "Put me down and I'll tell you." she promised, her feet dangled three feet off the ground.

            "Tell us and we'll put you down." he countered.  She sighed heavily.  

            "He's in the last room on the left.  Big black door with 'Dangerous Material' in red letters.  You can't miss it."   

            "Thank you." Root said, walking off, the rest following.  

            "Hey!  Get me down!" she yelled.  Holly waved.

            "Bye, Opal." she called gaily as she shut the door quite firmly behind them.  The four walked down the hall, her cries cut off by the sound-proofed door.  

            "I love my job." Root grinned.  Artemis shook his head, smiling slightly, then froze.  

            "Do you hear that?" he hissed.  The fairies stopped.  They heard the sound of footsteps.  Big ones.  Coming their way without delay.  

            "D'Arvit!" Holly whispered.

            "Captain, such language." Artemis whispered back as they bolted back down the hall.  Holly glared at him, and ran into Butler as the bodyguard yanked open a tiny supply closet.  The four squeezed in among reams of computer paper and office supplies.  It was a tight fit, even with the fairies hovering above the human's heads.  They stood in the dark, panting slightly as they heard the footsteps grow closer.  As one , they held their breaths as the footsteps approached...and passed by.  A soft sigh of relief echoed in the close quarters.  Suddenly, they heard the slow squeak of a sound-proofed door opening.  

            "Uh-oh." they chorused.  Opal's screams echoed through Level 15.  

            "Captain, you forgot to silence her." Root reprimanded in a whisper.

            "Sorry, sir, I forgot my needle to sew her mouth shut." she snapped back, as the footsteps went pounding by, much faster this time.  Human shouts joined the pixie's screams.  Apparently, the guards had left the pixie hanging there as they ran to sound the alarm.  The footsteps pounded back by, and stopped by the closet.  

            "Find the intruders!" shouted a loud voice from just outside.  The footsteps passed.  

            And then Artemis's cell phone rang.

ASN:   *grins* And all the readers scream in frustration.

AN:      You get a real kick out of these cliffhanger endings, don't you?

ASN:   Yes I do, actually.  It's so much fun to listen to the readers write and complain.

AN:      *stares* That's sorta weird, Ryn.

ASN:   Weirder than carrying around pics of Duo Maxwell from _Gundam__ Wing in your wallet?_

AN:      *blushes furiously*


	12. Chapter 11: Arty Phone Home

ASN:   Hello again.  I'm on time!  Aren't you all proud?

AN:      Nah, probably more like surprised.  Shocked.  Stunned.

ASN:   Don't you have homework or something to do?  Anything other than making nasty comments?

AN:      Nope.  School is canceled cause of the hurricane, so you have my undivided attention.

ASN:   *groans*  MY classes aren't canceled.  

AN:      Ha ha.  Loser.  Moving right along, here's the new chapter:  

**CHAPTER 11: ARTY PHONE HOME**

**California**** Technology Labs, Storage Closet 15B**

Artemis went totally white, and yanked out his phone.  "Hello?!" he whispered urgently.  The other three just stared at him.

            "Hi, dear." came Angeline Fowl's voice from the tiny speakers.  "I was just wondering how you were, since you never called..." 

            "Mother, now is NOT a good time." Artemis hissed.

            "I heard a phone!" someone outside yelled.  "It came from over there!" 

            "D'Arvit!" Artemis spat.  

            "Arty, watch your language!" Holly hissed back.  

            "Mother, I'll call you back!" Artemis snapped.              

            "Come out with your hands up or we'll start shooting!" came a loud voice from just outside the closet.  

            "ARTY?!" gasped his mother before Artemis unceremoniously hung up.  He shoved his phone back into his pocket.  

            "Good going, Mud Boy." Holly murmured.

            "Only a minor setback." Artemis said as the footsteps began to close in.  

            "_Only a minor setback!_  Look, human, contrary to popular opinion, we fairies are not immortal.  If you shoot us, we will die." Holly snarled.

            "I wish you'd told me that sooner." 

            "Now is not the time for joking."

            "I wasn't joking."  

            Holly opened her mouth to answer, but switched on her shield as the doorknob began to turn.  

            The closet door swung open, and Butler and Artemis blinked in the lights.  They both raised their hands slowly.

            "Come out of there." a guard ordered, pointing a very large gun at them.  "Don't make me shoot."  Artemis sighed at the bad Hollywood cliche...and followed.  Another guard relieved Artemis of his hacker pack, and Butler of his most obvious weapons.  They missed a few, but since six of the very large guns were pointing directly at the bodyguard, he didn't think it would be the best time to use them.  They herded the two intruders down the hall, shutting the door on the empty closet.  They would have been very surprised to see the door open all by itself two minutes later, but no one was there to see it.

**California**** Technology Labs, Executive Office**           

            JR Rand looked up from his paperwork as his guards ushered in the two intruders.  One was a very tall Eurasian man, who looked like a bodybuilder, and the other was a skinny teenager, who didn't look dangerous at all.  All but two of the guards left, returning to their posts.  The other two stood by the door, their guns kept leveled at the pair's backs.  

            Rand stood, but the boy came forward first.

            "Well, sir, before I get into my full report, I would just like to say that your security is absolutely ludicrous.  The response time was slow, your equipment barely above standard, and your alarm system was so easy to bypass, it was practically nonexistent.  Any real criminals would have been in and out of here with your money or inventions before your guards made one round of the building.  My full report will come in the mail in two weeks." he finished.  Rand slowly raised an eyebrow.  

            "And you might be?"       

            The boy raised an eyebrow in return.  "We're from Fowl Security.  We were hired to do a routine test of your security systems, and I am, quite frankly, appalled.  You have a lot of work to do, Mr...."  

            "Rand.  Jonathan Rand.  You said you work for Fowl Security?  As in the same Fowl that designs computer software?" Rand asked, playing along for the moment.  Interesting that the man let the boy do all the talking.  The boy looked familiar, now that he thought about it.  The boy blinked.

            "Different branch of the family, I suppose." he commented.  Rand sighed and sat back in his chair.

            "Aren't you a little young to be a security specialist?" he asked.  

            "It's the family business.  It's my after school job." the boy responded.  "Besides, criminals come in all shapes and sizes.  It's best to be prepared for anyone, and that is what our company checks."

            "Nice try, kid, but I never hired a security company."  The boy never moved.

            "Free sample." he said dryly, knowing the jig was up.  Artemis hadn't expected it to work, but help should be on its way by now.  

            "So what were you really after?" Rand asked, absent-mindedly, as he looked back down at his papers.  

            "We wanted the plans to your mindwiping machine, of course.  What did you think we wanted, your money?  Surely you jest." the boy said.  Rand's head snapped back up, his attention fully on them for the first time.  

            "What did you say?" he asked incredulously.  The boy tilted his head.

            "Pardon?"     __

            That was whenever Rand got it.  "You're Artemis Fowl Junior, are you not?"  The boy looked impassively back at the man.  

            "Why does it matter?" he asked.  Rand smiled.

            "Yes, you're definitely Artemis Fowl.  I recognize you from your Interpol file."  Rand turned to look at Butler.  "This must be your infamous bodyguard."  The man stared stonily back. 

            "Funny, I didn't think Interpol files were common knowledge.  Besides, they exaggerate terribly."  

            "That half ton of gold ingots was an exaggeration?" he asked.  "Interpol was quite curious to know how you acquired it." 

            "Well, they'll just have to stay curious then." the boy shot back.  Rand sighed.  

            "I don't have time to continue this conversation, as amusing as it may be.  Kale, take them to one of the guest suites.  Don't put them with our current resident, that's asking for trouble."

            The guards reached for the two intruders, and then paused.  The door was slowly closing all by itself.  No one had entered, and neither guard had touched the door.  

            "What the-?" one guard started to say, just before he fell to the ground unconscious.  The second guard followed within two seconds.

            Rand looked up to see two very tiny people with pointed ears hovering over the guards.

            "That was easy." one said.  Rand casually reached for his middle drawer, where he had a silenced Walther hidden.  Suddenly, he felt a large hand grip the front of his designer shirt.

            "Go for your gun and I'll make you eat it." Butler grinned.  Rand smiled nervously, putting both of his hands on his desk where they could see them.

            "And these two little things would be...?" he asked, moving his foot for the alarm button installed under his desk.  He banged it and nothing happened.  Artemis studied his fingernails.

            "I told you the alarm system was worthless." he said.  "It was incredibly easy to hack into.  Quite disappointing for a technology company."  

            Rand was now thoroughly stuck.  The two in the air had to be more fairies like Koboi, and here to get something.  They obviously knew about the mindwiping machine, and had hacked into his systems.  When he got out of this, Rand vowed to hire a real security company.  It was embarrassing, being beaten by a teenager, his bodyguard, and two pointy eared... whatevers.  

            "Okay, you got me." he said.  "Now what are you going to do?"  

            Holly punched him and he went out like a light.  "Good work, Captain." Root commended.  She smiled.

            "A pleasure.  Can we go rescue Foaly now?"

ASN:   Another short chapter.  Apologies.  I'll try and stick the next one up sooner.  

AN:      ...but I wouldn't hold my breath.

ASN:   *turns slowly and glares at evil sister*

AN:      Oh, yeah, um, I just remembered I DO have something to do.  

ASN:   Smart girl.


	13. Chapter 12: One Donkey, To Go

AN:      Well, we're both still here.  We didn't get swept away by the hurricane.

ASN:   That could, of course, be because we live in the MOUNTAINS!

AN:      Hey, everyone else was panicking.  Why not join in?  *looks at readers*  Sorry.  None of you care anyway.  Here's the new chapter.

**CHAPTER 12: ONE DONKEY, TO GO******

**California**** Technology Labs, "Guest Suite" **

            Foaly sat in his tiny cell, worried out of his mind.  One of the guards had come in to inform him the mindwiping machine was geared up and ready to go.  And then suddenly, both had left for no apparent reason.  So, assuming they were still gone, Foaly was unguarded.  Shame he still was tied up.  

            The door opened, light shining right into his eyes.  He squinted, and was just able to make out a figure.  A short figure.

            "Opal, don't do this." he begged, hoping for a miracle.  The figure studied him for a moment, then spoke.

            "I like you hog-tied, donkey-boy." 

            "JULIUS!!" Foaly shouted, struggling to sit up.  "How did you find me?  I mean, no offense, but I'm the brains behind your brawn."                   

            "Can the smart remarks, donkey-boy, or I'll leave you here.  And don't call me Julius."  Then he sighed.  "We called in an expert to help us find you."  

            "Really?  An expert in what?" Foaly asked curiously.  Holly appeared and started to loosen his bonds.

            "Us." she said sullenly.  Foaly frowned.

            "What?" he asked.  He stepped out into the hallway, stretching his cramped legs, and saw the infamous Artemis Fowl leaning against the wall, his ever-present smirk firmly in place.  "Oh.  Him."  

            "Greetings to you too." Artemis said, picking up a large pack.  "Shall we go?"  

            "Wait!" Foaly said, turning to Root.  "Julius, we need to destroy the mindwiping machine."  

            Root nodded.  "I agree.  We also need to pick up Opal."  He paused.  "And don't call me Julius."  

            Foaly's shoulders drooped.  "Oh, do we have to?  Can't _we_ mindwipe _her_?"

            Root shook his head.  "Sorry, donkey, _mesmer_ing or mindwiping  another fairy is totally against the Book, remember?"  Foaly pouted, then turned to Holly.  

            "Holly?"  

            "Sorry, Foaly, but the Commander's right." she said.  

            Foaly scowled, the his face lit up in an evil grin.  "You know, Holly, Opal called you Julius's girlfriend."  

            The two fairies went bright red with anger.  "Commander," Holly ground out, "Can't I make an exception?" 

            Root clenched his teeth.  "Get in line."  

            The two fairies were all set to go mindwipe the pixie fairly violently, when they heard a strange sound.  Artemis was laughing.  Loudly.

            Holly stared at the teenager.  She had never seen him laugh before.  Really laugh.  If the situation hadn't been so infuriating, she would be heartened to see him acting so normal.

            Butler, who was grinning as well, gestured to the motionless bodies of the guards.  "Aren't you going to mindwipe them first?" he asked.  

            Taking deep breaths, the fairies calmed themselves and set to the job.  After a bit, they had gotten both of the guards. "Let's go destroy the mindwiping machine before anything else happens." Butler said.  

            Opal was still hanging there as the group strolled in.  Foaly grinned widely as he saw her.

            "Oh, Opal.  How do you feel?  Not too good, I hope."  The pixie grimaced.

            "Ha, ha.  Now get me out of here." she snarled.  Root grinned slightly.

            "For being an escaped convict, you have a lot of demands."  Holly glared at the unrepentant pixie, and placed the headphones over her pointy ears.  Opal just about lost it.

            "You can't mindwipe me!  That's going against the Book!  You'll lose your magic!"

            "I know," Holly said unperturbed, "That's why we'll have Artemis do it."  

            The pixie fainted.  Artemis looked at Holly in confusion.

            "Isn't that going against your morals?" he asked wryly.

            "Who are _you_ to talk about morals?" the fairy snapped back.

            "Good point." Artemis said.   Butler slung the unconscious fairy over his shoulder. 

            "Um, the machine?" Foaly reminded the crew.  Both officers pulled out their blasters and set them to _extra crispy_.  Thirty seconds later, the machine was a heap of melted metal and plastic.

            "Forgive me for asking, but does anyone else think that was a _little_ loud?" Artemis asked, peering down the hall.  They all moved into the hallway cautiously.  Suddenly, a gunshot rang out from the direction of the elevator.  They bolted for the stairs and started pounding down them.  

            "Maybe we can get out before the guards can get reinforcements." Holly said as she flew down the stairs.  "We _mesmer_ed most of the ground floor guards."

            They banged open the fire door on the bottom level and bolted for the side door.  A bullet whizzed by, blowing a hole in an office doorframe.

            Immediately, Butler dropped Opal, grabbed Artemis, and tossed him into another empty office.  The two fairies hustled Opal into the office, and Butler yanked one of the weapons the guards hadn't found out of its hiding place.  He fired a warning shot back down the hall and leapt into the office.  As he slammed the door, he saw Artemis pecking at the keys of the computer.

            "What are you doing _now_?" Holly sputtered as she saw the Mud Boy typing away.

            "I had an amazing revelation, and I'm rewriting Volume 13, Section 2."  The teenage criminal let Holly chew on that for a second, then glanced up.  He looked as harried as Holly had ever seen him.  "What do you _think_ I'm doing?!" 

            Root leaned over to Artemis.  "So, Mud Boy, you've done great so far.  We've broken into a top secret lab in a HUMAN city, busted out Foaly, set off every alarm you hadn't disconnected, and I can hear the pitter patter of really big feet coming this way.  Somehow, I don't think Butler can handle them all."

            "I have everything under control." Artemis said tightly.  Holly laughed derisively, and Artemis glared at her as he jumped up and yanked down a ventilation grid, revealing the dark tunnels of the ventilation system.   

            "You expect us to escape through the ventilation system?!" Root exclaimed.  "That's the oldest trick in the book.  Even these humans will get it!"  

            Artemis smirked as he bent the grid slightly and stuffed it back in its hole.  "I'm counting on it."  


	14. Chapter 13: The Return of the Dwarf

ASN:   Since the last chapter was so short, I'm sticking the next one up now.

AN:      I don't think anyone would complain too loudly. 

**CHAPTER 13: THE RETURN OF THE DWARF**

**California**** Technology Labs**, **Bottom Floor**

            The floor rumbled slightly, and a tile popped up.  A bearded dwarf hauled himself up from the hole. 

            "Hello everyone." Mulch Diggums, dwarf and convict, said cheerfully. "Nice to see you.  Hey, Julius, I thought you were coming after me." 

            All the blood rushed to Root's face and he sputtered.  "I...you...why...HOW?" 

            Artemis interrupted the rant with a sharp glare at Mulch.  "You're late." 

            "Hey, I ran into some limestone.  I had to tunnel around it." Mulch protested.  

            "_This_ is your business associate from the call?" Root yelled.

            "Who did you expect?" Artemis said pleasantly. 

            "And just _where_ did you dig him up?" Root snarled.

            Foaly winced. "Bad pun, Julius.  Bad pun."

            Root didn't take his eyes off the dwarf.  "Shut up donkey boy, and don't call me Julius."

            "Oh, Mulch's been staying with me for a while."  Artemis said offhandedly. 

            "WHAT?!?" Root bellowed. 

            "Since, after all, you've pulled the surveillance of Fowl Manor, what better place is there?" Mulch said sweetly. "It makes perfect sense." 

            "You've been harboring a criminal?" Root growled at the human.

            "No, I've been protecting an asset." Artemis shot back.    

            Holly broke into the argument.  "Hey look, can we argue about this later?" she shouted over the din of guards trying to break down the door.  It was beginning to buckle, and Butler did not look pleased.  

            "All right then," Mulch said, taking charge. "Everybody down the hatch.  Ladies first." he gestured to Holly.  She grinned at the dwarf.

            "So kind." she said flippantly, and jumped down the tunnel.

            "Employers next." the dwarf chirped.

            Artemis smirked, grabbed his bag, and leapt down the hole.  Root turned an even brighter shade of red.  "Employer?" he hissed.  Mulch ignored him and motioned to Foaly.  The centaur looked down the hole.

            "You've got to be kidding." he whined.  "You expect me to crawl through that?  I'd rather take my chances with the humans."

            Root immediately kicked him down the hole.

            "I've always wanted to do that." he said happily. 

            He followed the descending yells of the centaur.  Butler abandoned the door at Mulch's signal and dove down the hole, with the dwarf on his heels.  Mulch pulled the tile over his head as he went.  

            The guards finally smashed through the door, and immediately noticed the bent ventilation grid.  Kale, awake and ready for action, turned to the rest.  "They're in the ventilation system.  Let's go!"  The guards followed obediently, oblivious to the loose tile under their feet.

**Chute A5**

            The shuttle was considerably more cramped on the return trip, with the addition of Foaly, Mulch, and Opal.  The pixie was still unconscious and in the back with Butler as guard.  Root was simmering over Mulch being involved in the situation.  He was grilling the dwarf unmercifully.  Holly heard at one point accusations involving the Hope Diamond robbery, followed by a very unconvincing, "I had nothing to do with that." from Mulch.  At that point, Artemis abandoned the conversation and went to join Holly in the cockpit because of the very likely suspicion that Root was going to kill him.  

            "You really should stop pulling the Commander's chain; you're going to give him a heart attack." Holly said off-handedly.  Artemis shrugged.

            "If he hasn't had one yet, he never will.  You, on the other hand, turned dead white when Mulch popped out of the floor.  I thought you were going to faint.  I thought the LEPRecon were supposed to be prepared for anything."  His tone was snide, but you could see a sparkle of amusement in his eyes.  Unfortunately, Holly was concentrating on landing the shuttle and wasn't looking at the teen.  She was also beginning to lose her temper.  

            "Look, _Arty,_ if you would stop acting so high and mighty, we would probably get along a lot better.  If you give the Commander a good excuse, I'm sure he'll be happy to relieve you of your memories for the last year or two." she snapped, landing the shuttle a little harder than usual.  Artemis grinned, knowing he'd pushed the right button.  "He wouldn't want to do that."  

            "And why _not_?!" Holly bit out, flicking off the shuttle's power sharply.  Root and Mulch had long since stopped fighting and were now listening to the conversation.

            "Well, aside from the fact that your secrets would be splashed across every media network within a week, you're going to come begging for my help again sooner or later." the teen finished smugly.  The fairy's patience snapped like a twig.  She was up and swinging at the criminal in a second.

            "We-do-not-_beg_!" she snarled, aiming her fist straight for his nose.  Again.  Unfortunately, it never got there.

              Instead, Artemis held her fist firmly in one hand.  He was no longer amused.  

            "Don't do that again." he warned coldly.  "That's asking for trouble." 

            Suddenly the shuttle door flew open, and Captain Trouble Kelp stuck his head in.  "You called?" he asked cheerfully.  Then his eyes fell upon Butler.  Horrible memories that still fueled his nightmares came rushing back.  

            "Uh, uh, Commander," the Captain whimpered, "uh, what's he doing here?"  

            Root sighed and pulled Trouble fully into the shuttle, slamming the door behind him.  "Don't you ever _knock_?"

The Captain gazed up at the bodyguard, who grinned down at him in response.  "I remember you." Butler said cheerfully.  

            Root sighed.  "It's a long story, Kelp, and I _really_ don't want to talk about it."  

            Trouble shook his head once or twice, then focused upon Root.  "Uh, Commander, the Council wants to see you.  You didn't mention you'd be bringing back _them_."

            "Don't worry," Artemis said, releasing Holly's fist, "we'll be more than happy to take our money and leave." 

            Trouble cocked his head, confused.  "Money?" he echoed.  Root winced.  

            "Oh, yeah.  That money." he muttered.  Everyone, except the unconscious pixie, stared at him.  

            "What do you mean, 'that money'?" Artemis asked ominously.  Root closed his eyes.

            "You'll get it, I promise.  Just stay here until I get back from the Council.  Captain Short, you stay with them.  Captain Kelp, bring Opal and come with me.  Foaly, get your butt back in the Operations Booth and start fixing stuff."  Foaly sauntered out of the shuttle and stopped short at the sight of devastation outside.  

            "Ooh...I bet the Council's real mad at me, aren't they?" Foaly asked.  Root grinned.

            "Not half as mad as they're gonna be when I tell them what you cost for Fowl and Co. to save you."

            "You haven't told them yet?" Holly asked incredulously.

            "Um, something like that." Root murmured.  

            "I think I'll go back to my Operations Booth...and lock myself in." Foaly said, trotting towards the platform exit.

            "You do that." Root yelled.

            "Uh, excuse me, Julius, what do you want me to do?" asked the dwarf saucily. 

            "Start running." Root said with, if not murder, definitely bodily injury, in his eyes.  Mulch saluted the Commander...and started running.  Root and Trouble left without another word, although Trouble did eye Butler one more time before fleeing quite unprofessionally.  Holly stalked back into the cockpit, and contacted the Operations Booth.  Foaly appeared onscreen, looking a little harried.

            "At least I know my booby-traps work." he said by way of greeting.  Artemis appeared behind Holly suddenly.

            "Not all of them." he commented casually.  Foaly almost fell out of his chair.

            "You let the Mud Boy into _my_ Operations Booth?!" he accused Holly.

            "No, actually, he let himself in.  None of us could get past your security system." she said.  Foaly pouted.

            "If you messed up any of my systems, Fowl, I'll send you the bill." the centaur threatened.

            "How much does a plasma floor cost?" asked the teen blandly.  The centaur looked like he was going to cry.

            "How did you get past my floor?" he asked, and Holly turned to look at Artemis.

            "And how _did_ you get that fizzer off my belt?" she snapped.

            "A gallon of water, and lots of practice." he replied.  Holly clenched her fist, and visibly had to calm herself.  She turned to the screen.

            "Foaly, you owe me one." she told him.  The centaur laughed.

            "What for?  I figure _you_ owe _me_ one, letting the human mess around in my files.  I bet he copied them all, too." the centaur whined.

            "I didn't have time." Artemis said, regretfully.  The centaur nearly hit the roof, but Holly interrupted him.

            "Of course you owe me one, Root wanted to leave you." she lied through her teeth.

            "Julius would never abandon me." the centaur protested.  Holly just looked at him.  

            "What do you want?" the centaur asked, resigned.

            "I want to see Root address the Council." she answered promptly.  Foaly gave her a mischievous grin.

            "Oh, is that all?  I already had it brought up for me, I'll just send it to you too.  Do you want popcorn too?" 

            "Thanks, but no." Holly said, leaning back in her chair as a view of the Council Room came onscreen.  Artemis sat down in the copilot's seat, and Butler stuck his head through the door.

            "What are you doing?" Holly asked scathingly.

            "I want my money." Artemis answered.  "I want to make sure Root gets the amount right."

            The fairy sighed.  "You know, I'm actually getting used to this." 

AN:      See?  We didn't forget about Mulch.  

ASN:   Um, I should say something funny to amuse the readers, but I can't think of anything.  Long weekend.  I'll update again soon.   


	15. Chapter 14: Payback Time

ASN:   Thanks again for all the great reviews.  It's such a amazing feeling to have people care enough that they bug you to update quickly.    

AN:      Or beg.  Or even threaten.  You all are wonderful.  Crazy, but wonderful.   

ASN:   Yeah.  But, on to more important things:  

**CHAPTER 14: PAYBACK TIME**

**Haven Shuttleport**

            Holly, Artemis, and Butler watched in silence as Root walked into the Council Room.  All but three members were in various states of disarray, ranging from bandages to oxygen tanks.  None of them looked overly happy.  But that was not a big surprise.  

            "Commander Root," Lope said, "I'm glad to see you back in one piece.  How did the rescue mission go?"  

            Root smiled slightly.  "It went fairly well.  We got Opal Koboi back within our possession, and rescued Foaly.  All in all, it was a success."

            "And what did you do with Fowl?" Vinyáya asked Root.  He swallowed nervously, not smiling any longer.  

            "Well, that's the problem.  You see, he refused to help without, um,"  Root was wincing.  Holly had never seen him so apprehensive before.   "He refused to help without payment." he finished miserably. 

            The entire Council exploded into protests.  The fairies were not overjoyed with the possibility of having to pay Artemis again.  They still hadn't forgiven him for the gold he had wheedled out of them two years ago.  

            "You must be kidding!" Cahartez said, standing.  "We still haven't recovered from the last time he got our money.  We can't afford it.  I personally think we should mindwipe the criminal and forget about the entire thing."  The rest of the Council nodded agreement.  Holly glanced worriedly at Artemis.  His face was set in stone.

            "I want to talk to them." he said gravely.  Holly began to protest, but something in the teen's voice made her stop.  She shrugged and began patching him through to the screen in the Council Room.

            "It's your grave.  Or rather, your mind." she muttered.  Artemis frowned, but made no comment.  Holly bit her lip and activated the mike, sliding out of the Council's view.  "You're on." 

            The Council members all looked up in shock as Artemis's face appeared on the large screen.  "Hello, everyone." he said smoothly.  Various Councilors stared at each other in surprise and slight fear.  Root just sighed and resisted the urge to bury his head in his arms.  He could sense the debate that was to follow.  And for once in his life, his fairy instincts were completely wrong.

            "I know everybody here is not happy at the prospect of owing me money.  That's quite understandable, after everything I put you through when we first met."  

            Holly stared at the teenager in complete shock.  In all her expectations, she had never expected the smooth, snide Artemis Fowl Junior to say such a...a... _decent_ thing.  Judging from the huge eyes of Root, she felt her commanding officer hadn't thought it of him either. Butler just sat back in his seat, letting his charge discuss his business. 

            "I still feel that you owe me something for services rendered." Artemis continued, and Holly felt a rush of disappointment course through her.  Why expect him to change now?  

            "I believe 50,000 euros of gold is an appropriate amount for two full days of aid, don't you?" 

            From the corners of his eyes, Artemis saw Holly's jaw drop in shock, and he could hear her start spluttering.  He absently waved a hand in her direction to shush her, focusing instead on the faces of the dumbfounded Council.  

            "I think 50,000 euros is an acceptable payment." Lope offered hesitantly.  The other Councilors weren't so sure.

            "Tell us, Fowl, why do you think we should refrain from mindwiping you?" Cahartez asked curiously.  Root, still astounded from Artemis's cut price, recovered enough to wince.  Artemis would wave the blackmail computer files in the Council's face now.  The Commander could almost see the actions the Council would take once this was over.  They'd probably promote Chix Verbil to Commander just to drive Root nuts.  

            The teen just shrugged.  "With all respect, something like what just happened could quite possibly happen again.  If I had been mindwiped, you would have had a lot more trouble finding Foaly.  And the city would be in pieces."  

            Totally beaten, the Council members glanced at each other.  "Well," Vinyáya said after a pause, "he is right.  We couldn't have gotten this far without his help.  Unfortunately, we do owe him something."  She turned to Artemis.  "We'll discuss this for a little while longer, Fowl.  If you wouldn't mind..."  The fairy gestured to the screen.  He smiled slightly.  

            "Of course.  Thank you for listening, ladies and gentlemen."  He blinked away.

            "Only 50,000 euros?" Lope commented.  "Not bad, considering what we paid him last time.  Why didn't you tell us he only wanted that much, Commander Root?" 

            Root smiled weakly.  "Slipped my mind."

            Artemis sat back, watching the Council members continue discussing his payment.  Butler slipped back out into the shuttle, not wanting to bother his charge while he was thinking.  Holly had no such reservations.  She stared at the Mud Boy for a moment.  He pointedly ignored her curious stare, not wanting to talk about it.

            "What happened to your 100,000 euros?" she asked, refusing to go away.  The teen sighed slightly, then smiled wistfully.  

            "I'm not worth that much, remember." he said softly.  Holly winced as her harsh words were flung back in her face.  For the first time since she had run into Artemis Fowl, she regretted what she had said.

            "I didn't mean it." she responded.  "I was angry."  

            Artemis looked at her, a hint of exasperation in his eyes.  "You're angry every time I see you.  Are you always biting people's heads off?"  

            "You bring out the worst in me." she shot, then backed off, realizing he had succeeded in making her mad _again_.  "You have to admit, your high and mighty attitude does ask for it." 

            Artemis frowned.  "Maybe." he allowed, then he sent a genuine smile at Holly.  "But I will never admit it."  

            She smiled as well.  "So, why only 50,000?" she asked again.  Artemis's shoulders drooped a little.  

            "I felt...uncomfortable at taking that much. The help I gave wasn't worth it."  Before Holly could make any embarrassing comments on his 'gracious action', he smirked.  "Besides, I figure I have about 75,000 euros in patents downloaded from Foaly's network.  We must be even."  

            The elf stared at him for a moment, then brushed off his comment with a chuckle.  "I don't even _want_ to know if that was a joke." she said.

            "I do." Foaly whined from the Op Booth.

            Both fairy and human burst out laughing at the brooding tone of the centaur.  It was the first time for years that Artemis had laughed simply because he was content.  Not because he was pleased with himself, or entertained because of the actions of others, but because he was just plain amused.  

            "Okay," Foaly said, "enough with the giggles.  The Council wants to talk to you, Artemis." 

            Artemis composed himself, and nodded once.  Holly set up the connection to the Council again, and he leaned forward.  "Have you made your decision, Councilors?"  

            Vinyáya nodded.  "We'll give you your money.  You did help us, and we believe that 50,000 euros is a befitting amount for what you have done for us.  According to Commander Root, you were kind enough to refrain yourself from doing anything in our network system while you were here." 

            Artemis nodded.  "That is correct." he said.  The Councilors turned to each other, pleased with the thought of Artemis still unable to get into their system.  Holly stared at him disbelievingly.  He grinned mischievously.  "I waited until after I left." he whispered to her.  She bit her lip, unable to decide to laugh or scream.  He never quit.  

            Cahartez turned back to Artemis.  "All right.  Your money will be sent to your account immediately." he declared.  "Now, I conclude that everything has been accomplished?  All the Mud Men that kidnaped Foaly have been mindwiped?"  

            Root nodded.  "Yes sir.  That's all been taken care of."  

            Suddenly, Cahartez's praise for a job well done was interrupted by Holly's gasp.  The entire Council, Root and Artemis all turned to look at her.  She had gone dead white.

            "Sir," she whispered, visibly distressed, "We forgot to mindwipe Rand."

            The Council turned back to Root, who also paled.  "D'Arvit." he whispered softly.  'We did, didn't we?"  

              Lope's gaze was heavy with disappointment.  "So, you left this Rand with his memory and any records he may have left?"  The fairy's voice did not bode well for Holly and Root's career future.  They cringed. 

            "Well..." Root began, then was stopped by Artemis's smooth Irish accent. 

            "Not exactly." the teen said. 

**California**** Technology Labs, Executive Office**

            Jonathan Radison Rand felt a hand on his shoulder, shaking him awake.  "Uh..." he moaned, pulling his head up off his desk.  Kale stood in front of him, stiff at attention and very scared.

            "Um, sir, the intruders, well, escaped.  We can't find them.  We thought they left through the ventilation system, but one of the guards fell through a hole in the office we cornered them in.  Apparently they tunneled out." He swallowed.  "We have no idea how they did it, sir."  

            Rand shook his head, trying to escape his headache.  That one fairy had belted him good.  "Well, they are fairies, what did you expect?" he commented.  He rubbed his jaw.  "They do have magic." 

            Kale stared at him, looking slightly worried.  "Um...fairies, sir?" he asked cautiously.  Rand looked at him.  

            "Yes, fairies." he said impatiently.  "Where's Koboi?  We need to talk."  

            "K-Koboi, sir?" Kale echoed. 

            "That's what I-" Rand stopped as everything cleared up suddenly.  The fairies must have mindwiped his entire staff.  Everyone who knew about the fairies know had no memories if that time.  

            "Who were the intruders, Kale?" he asked, just to make sure.

            "Well, we don't know, sir.  They didn't seem to take anything, but no one remembers seeing them.  There were five people, three really short, and a blur that looked sort of like, well, like a horse.  But that's all any of my people know."  

            Rand nodded.  "Very well.  Leave me.  I'll figure this out on my own."  He turned back to his desk, then looked up.  "We were working on something in the room down the hall, is it still there?"  

            Kale shook his head.  "Whatever was there is just a heap of scrap.  The funny thing is, the room looks like a dungeon, and no one remembers what was in there."  

            Rand was quiet.  "All right.  Go."  He sat down and turned on his computer.  Kale stared at his boss in surprise.  Intruders had been in and out of the building, and had destroyed something that seemed to have been of value.  Kale wasn't complaining, but he was surprised to have his head still attached.  Rand looked up, now visibly annoyed.  "Well?" he demanded.  Kale grimaced and left quickly.

            Rand sighed.  So, Fowl and his friends had decimated the mindwiping machine, taken Opal, and taken that centaur as well.  If he hadn't saved the mindwiping machine's blueprints in his computer, he would actually have had to concede defeat for the first time in his life.  The computer whirred as the Fowl operating system came online.  Rand opened his personal file, where he kept all of his most secret and not quite legal documents.  The file's contents appeared on the screen, and he clicked on the one marked 'Mindwipe'.  

            Pages and pages of tiny print and schematic drawings filled his screen, and Rand smiled triumphantly.  The opposition had not won.  

            A small black dot appeared in the middle of a paragraph describing the brain's electronic pulse mechanism.  He looked at it curiously.  Was it his imagination, or was the dot getting....bigger?  He shook his head.  Impossible.

            Then, all the letters on the screen started sliding towards the hole.  Rand watched in horror as his files fell into the black hole in the middle of the screen and disappeared.  He frantically tried to exit the program, but the computer was frozen.  In seconds, his personal files had vanished as if it had never existed, and the black hole was getting bigger.  Rand reached for the power button, but the computer shocked him so badly his entire right hand went numb.  He could only sit there and watch as the black hole expanded to fill the entire screen.  His computer let out an electronic screech, and then huge red letters filled the screen.

            "We hope you've enjoyed this demonstration of the new kazaana virus.  Have a nice day."  The red letters slowly faded, and the computer turned itself off.  Rand drummed his fingers on his desk as he switched the machine back on.  It hummed obediently, and an error message popped up.

            "Hard drive erased."

            Rand was peeved, to say the least.  He left his plush office, walked into his secretary's office, and accessed the network from there.  Rand was no fool.  He had everything backed up on his network, which connected all of his branches.  The computer turned on compliantly.Rand hit the icon for the network, and the machine suddenly coughed.  

            Rand stared at it blankly.  He didn't know computers could cough.  Suddenly, the identification numbers of every computer attached to the network started flashing by quickly, along with a message:

            "File kazanna.vir copied to network.  Please stand by."  Rand watched, appalled, as every file from every computer on his network flew into the black void.  

            In ten seconds, the computer screen went black again.  For the first time in his life, Jonathan Radison Rand was completely floored.  The phone on the secretary's desk rang shrilly, and he numbly picked it up.

            "I need to talk to Rand NOW!" came a harried voice over the line.

            "Speaking." Rand said blandly.

            "Mr. Rand, this is Somers from the LA branch.  All of our computers just went down.  Everythingis gone.  All the files have been erased.  Everything we were working on has just disappeared." the man cried.  

            "When was the last time you backed up the hard drives?" Rand asked, sounding more like his former self.  

            "Two weeks ago!  We were going to back up today..."

            "Well, bring out the disks and get back to work."

            "But we lost two weeks of work!" the man protested.

            "Then you're just going to have to work a little bit harder to catch up!" Rand snapped, and slammed the phone back into its cradle.

            He stalked back into his office and sat in his custom made chair.  Moodily glaring at his dead computer, he sighed.  He had been beaten by a teenager and his pint-sized companions.  It was humiliating.  Still, he was above petty revenge, and he had two weeks of work to catch up on.  The mindwiping machine was a lost cause, but he was still the head of the number one  technology company in the world.  But as he turned back to his computer, he filed the name Artemis Fowl away into the corners of his mind.  He may need it again later.    

ASN:   Yes, the kazaana virus was my idea.  It's the Japanese word for (approximately) black hole or air void.  For all of you poor deprived people who have no clue what I'm talking about, the word is from an amazing anime called _Inuyasha.  By Rumiko Takahashi, if anyone cares._

AN:      *sighs deeply*  And she is not obsessed.

ASN:   I am _not obsessed.  _

AN:      Riiiiiight.  Well, people, we're down to the final chapter.  Excited?  Ryn should update within 2 or 3 days.  Till then!  


	16. Chapter 15: Home Again

ASN:   Final chapter.  

AN:      *sniff*  I guess we better let them read it before we lose it, right?

ASN:   It'd be nice.  Oh, real quick-  

_SPECIAL NOTE: The final chapter of _Artemis Fowl: The Centaur Ordeal_ is dedicated to our regular reviewers:_

_            Scarletswitchblade__, Slime Frog, Trinity Day, Nieni Woodland, Flamaria13, Wolf Child, and Mage Kitty___

**CHAPTER 15: HOME AGAIN **

**En route to Fowl ****Manor****, ****Ireland**

            Butler drove the Bentley up the windy roads of Ireland, as the sun peeked over the hills.  Artemis sat in the back, talking with Root and Holly.  

            "So, you downloaded a virus into Rand's computer network?" Root asked incredulously.  Artemis nodded.

            "It was quite simple.  One of the files I...appropriated from Foaly's computer was a malicious virus that travels through a computer network and erases every hard drive in contact with the network.  I thought it looked intriguing, so I borrowed it.  I then downloaded it onto one of the computers in the lower office, and sent it to Rand's computer.  When he accesses the his computer, the hard drive while be erased.  When he attempts to retrieve his backup files from the network, it will spread to every networked computer in the company."

            "Oh.  I see." Root lied unconvincingly.  The fairy thought about asking why Artemis had lowered his price, but decided not to in case the human changed his mind again.  Besides, he wasn't sure he wanted to know.  Holly had been remarkably well behaved on the shuttle back to Ireland, and the Commander decided to leave well enough alone.

            "That's what you were doing when you claimed to be rewriting Volume 13?" Holly questioned.  The teen smiled slightly.  

            "What is this whole Volume 13 thing you two keep talking about?" Root asked.  

            "His manifest for taking over the world." she replied with a straight face. 

            "One small step at a time." Artemis finished modestly.

            Root sighed and buried his face in his hands.  "Stupid question."   

            Butler pulled the Bentley into the drive and paused by the kitchen door.  Artemis opened his door.  "It's been a pleasure working with you." he smirked.  The fairies looked at each other, and Root took a deep breath.

            "Likewise."  The two fairies switched on their shields and flew out of the open door.  Artemis began walking toward the door, and Holly stared after the human, thinking.

            "Come on, Captain, we need to go." Root said softly.  Holly pursed her lips.  

            "I need to say something to the Mud Boy." she declared, revving up her engine.  Root stared at her through his helmet lens and finally nodded.  

            "Fine, but make it quick."  He paused, then grinned widely.   "I'll be bothering the bodyguard."              

            Artemis approached the kitchen door.  With any luck, Mother would be asleep, or upstairs.  He could pop in and tell her he'd arrived late last night.  Hopefully she'd be so sleepy she'd forget about the phone call until he could think up a good excuse.  He pulled his keys out of his pocket, knocking a golden coin to the ground in the process.  

            "D'Arvit." he muttered, then sighed.  "I have got to stop saying that."  He reached for the coin, then pulled back as it rose into the air by itself.  Holly suddenly shimmered into view.  

            "You should," she commented absently, staring at the golden circle with a hole in it.  She looked up at him in surprise.  "You still have it?" 

            Artemis paused uncomfortably, "Yes, I do."  The fairy's eyes suddenly went cold.

            "That's _right_.  Back then, I did say you had a spark of decency, didn't I?"

            Artemis did not like her tone of voice. "Yes, you did." he said in a tone just as icy.  Holly suddenly grinned mischievously.  

            "You're slipping.  It's a full-fledged coal now."  Artemis smiled back, shaking his head.  Holly activated her wings and hovered just above his eye level.  

            "See you later..." she said, and just before disappearing, she laughed.  "Arty."

            "Very funny, Holly." he snapped, and her laugh floated in the light breeze, joined a second later by Root's.  The teen sighed heavily and turned to the door.  As he touched the knob, the door swung open by itself.  

            "You're up early, aren't you?" came the voice of his very unamused mother.

            "Good morning." Artemis said, trying to sound casual.  He did not do a very good job.  He had been caught off his guard.  For once.  

            "And _where_ have you been?" Angeline said, tapping her foot.  "You said you would call.  You never did.  You took your hacker bag to go spelunking..." 

            "Hacker bag?" Artemis inquired innocently, pulling at the straps of his backpack.  His mother scowled.

            "I'm not stupid, Artemis." she snapped, then continued on her tirade.  "You took your hacker bag, and your laptop.  You said I couldn't reach you on your cell phone, but I could.  And when ever I did call, because I was worried sick, you were involved in who _knows_ what, but someone was threatening to kill you.  You said something to me that sounded like a curse word from another language, and YOU HUNG UP ON ME!!!!" Angeline finished, turning as red as Root. **"WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF?!?" **

            Artemis sighed.  He was tired.  He hadn't been able to sleep for the last two days, and the only time he could have rested was when Holly was flying the shuttle, which was _not_ a relaxing activity.  He stepped into the kitchen and dropped his hacker bag on the counter.  "Would you believe me if I told you I was saving the world from a technology master with delusions of grandeur?" he asked sarcastically.  

            "Does that have anything to do with the 50,000 euros that appeared in our account last night?" a deep voice came.  Artemis turned in shock to face his father coming in from the living room, closely followed by Juliet.  His prosthetic leg was working as well as his original.     

            "Oh.  Father.  Hello.  I didn't know you were home." Artemis said faintly.  

            "Obviously." Artemis Senior crossed his arms.  "Well, Artemis?"

            Butler walked into the kitchen and stopped dead.  "Master Fowl.  You're back." 

            "Yes, we have ascertained that I have returned."  Artemis Sr. said.  "So what _was_ my son doing?" 

            "Well, actually, he was saving the world from a technology master with delusions of grandeur." Butler said promptly.  Angeline sighed.

            "You practiced this, didn't you?" she accused. 

            Butler shook his head solemnly. 

            "Mother, I am very tired.  Can we discuss this later?" Artemis asked.  Angeline nodded shortly.

            "Fine.  One more question."  She paused. "Who was the friend you went spelunking with?"   

            Artemis shrugged.  "Oh, just a friend from school.  You wouldn't know him." 

            "Really?" Angeline said.  "Then who's Holly?" 

            "_What_?" Artemis said, taken aback.  Surely she couldn't have seen, otherwise she wouldn't be asking these more mundane questions.  They'd be more along the line of, 'What the heck's going on?!'

            Juliet grinned, catching on.  "Oh, _that_ Holly.  How is she?  Has she forgiven you yet?" she asked smugly.  Artemis closed his eyes.

            "You're not helping." he hissed at her.

            "Serves you right for going without me." she hissed back.  

            "We heard you talking to someone outside the door and we heard you say 'That's not funny, Holly.'  Do you know this Holly, Juliet?  Who is she?" Artemis Sr. asked curiously.  

            "Oh, they're old friends." Juliet grinned wider.

            Before Juliet could get him into any more trouble, Artemis interrupted her. "She's a Captain on the police force that I was working with."  

            Angeline stared at him.  "A police force you were working _with_?" she echoed.  "That's a change.  Usually they're on the other side."  

            "They hired me as a consultant.  You know, hire a thief to catch a thief." Artemis said off-handedly.  

            Angeline threw up her hands in exasperation.  "Fine, fine, I don't care.  As long as you don't get arrested, or killed, let your father deal with you."  With that statement, she stalked out of the room, and Juliet followed, still smirking.  

            Artemis Sr. looked down at his son.  "You got 50,000 euros for two days of work?  _Legal_ work?"

            "I gave them a good deal.  A reduced price for frequent customers."  

            His father laughed, then clapped him on the back.  "50,000 euros.  Keep up the good work." he said, ushering him towards his room.  "And remember: don't get caught."     

_The End_

ASN:   *sigh*  Well, this one's all finished.

AN:      And before you start freaking out, we do have another Artemis Fowl fanfic on this site, called Artemis Fowl 4.

ASN:   Actually, Lessa, I think everyone who reads this one reads the other one already.  

AN:      *shrugs*  Anyway, that one is after EC, and it's MUCH longer than this one.  We already have 22 chapters posted, and we're only about halfway done.  It's better written anyway.

ASN:   And now, we come to the mushy stuff.  Thanks so much to everyone who has reviewed.  We read each one, and we really appreciate the comments.  

AN:      *grin*  And we _really_ appreciate the compliments.  

ASN:   Kudos to all our amazing reviewers.  We love you!

AN:      *glares*  That was my line, baka!            


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